More Than You Know
by PhrasesForTheYoung
Summary: When Rodrick comes home after a year and a half how will Greg cope? Rated M for incest and slash Rodrick/greg
1. The Prodigal Son

_**Hello reader, I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as i have enjoyed writing it. Updates will be fairly regular and all reviews are much appreciated :)**_

_**Boring disclaimer: brothers doing things they really shouldn't etc etc.**_

_**I own nothing except a twisted mind and a way with words.**_

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><p>The glowing green digits on Greg's alarm clock stood out in the darkness of the room, making it impossible for them to be ignored. 8:00 am, the beginning of a new day. A day like any other - or so it would seem. Greg could hear the steady patter of rain against the roof above him and the sounds of his mother and Manny in the kitchen below him. But it wasn't quite a normal day, it was the 15th of December and in Greg's mind it would always be the day that Rodrick returned. He had been counting down to this day for weeks, months even and dread coiled in his guts every time he thought about it. He groaned and put his head in his hands, trying to dispel the clammy cold feeling that settled in his chest and caught in his throat whenever he thought about his brother. He wasn't entirely sure why the thought of seeing Rodrick made him feel so terrible, especially when everyone else in the Heffley household was so damn happy about it.<p>

Greg had only told one person of this sense of foreboding that laid heavily on his shoulders and that was sweet, caring, thoughtful Holly. He pondered her explanation for his emotions as he laid in bed, maybe she was right, maybe it was just that he hadn't seen or spoken to Rodrick in a year and a half? Or perhaps he was just worried that Rodrick wouldn't be his brother anymore? That he would be a stranger and Greg would have to get to know him all over again.

Greg snorted at Holly's notion that he had known Rodrick in the first place. In all honesty, no one really knew Rodrick, at least not completely. It had been a constant source of frustration for him when he was younger how Rodrick had been able to read Greg like an open book but Greg had never been able gauge even the tiniest inkling into what was going in Rodrick's twisted mind.

He glanced at the clock once more , any minute his mother would shout up the stairs for him and there was no going back to sleep after that. His mother always got pretty upset if he didn't get out of bed when she wanted him to. He dragged himself out of bed and to his closet, grabbing an ironic t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans and shoving them on. He knew he would be made to change later, his mother had insisted they go to some fancy restaurant to celebrate, but that wasn't until later, and he wouldn't think about it, not until he absolutely had to. He snatched his phone from where it lay on his desk and punched in Holly's number. He pressed the phone to his ear, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Hey Greg, what's up?"

Greg smiled, the sound of Holly's voice always made him relax.

"Oh nothing much really, do you wanna hang out, I'm kind of at a loose end" He said finally, knowing Holly was too sweet to ask what kind of teenage boy was at a loose end at 8:30 in the morning when most didn't rise until about 12 pm.

"Well, I've got an essay due, but I'd much rather see you, so yeah, I can hangout. When and where?"

"I'll be at yours in 20, bye." He snapped the phone shut and ran downstairs, pausing only to yell to his mom he was going out, but he was out the door before she could respond. Greg walked with purpose through the deserted suburb; hands thrust deep into his sweatshirt, head bowed against the wind as a miserable mist of drizzle soaked through his skin and clothes, creating small puddles of icy water on the pavement. Before long he stood outside a pretty white house decked out with fake icicles and blue lights glimmering in the weak grey morning light. He grinned as he rang the doorbell, just the thought of seeing the blonde made his spirits soar, if anyone could help him clear his head it was Holly.

Greg watched Holly as she raced around the kitchen, getting him a coffee that he didn't really want; she met his stare and blushed. He turned his head and surveyed the spacious kitchen. A small framed photo on the side caught his attention, with a jolt of surprise he realised exactly what it was a picture of. "I didn't know you had this?" He said as he studied the photo.

"Huh?"

"This photo of everyone at the roller rink two years ago, I don't remember it being taken? I guess that would explain why I'm not even looking at the camera." He handed the photo to Holly who giggled before handing it back.

"You don't remember it because you weren't supposed to be in it! My mom was taking it of me but you ended up in the background and everyone assumed it was a group shot and piled in!"

"Seriously? Oh, well sorry about that." He scratched the back of his head awkwardly and set the photo down, Holly shrugged her shoulders and handed him his coffee. As they sipped in silence Greg studied her through his eye lashes, not wanting to be caught staring again. She really was beautiful, she had always been pretty but now she was just stunning. Her hair cascaded in long blonde waves down her back stopping at her slim waist and her eyes sparkled with kindness and honesty.

She looked so very similar and yet a million miles away from the Holly on the picture and he idly wondered whether he looked any different to his 13 year old self. He was still skinny but 15 had brought with it a growth spurt so he was now gangly and awkward as well, like he had not quite adjusted to being so far from the ground yet . He had let his hair grow and it now hung over his face in a choppy fringe that his hairdresser had insisted was fashionable. Apart from that, had he really changed? He considered poising the question to Holly but he didn't want her to think he was being vain, so he kept it to himself. A hand atop his own distracted him from his self-analysis.

"Greg, you've been awfully quiet and you look so pale, are you alright?" Her voice was brimming with concern and it made Greg feel awful. He didn't want to burden his best friend with his troubles but he just couldn't force a smile. He slid his hand out from under hers and put in his lap. Holly's eyes flashed with hurt but she didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry Holly, I'm just, well he's back today and I don't know what to do about it, it's like he can just come back and expect it to be the same, I only just got used to him being gone and now he's back !And everyone's so happy and I just know they'll be falling over themselves to get to him but he was always horrible to me and with him gone I can finally walk just a little taller but now I know I'm just going to be little Greg again, I mean I'm 15 for Christ's sake!"

He knew he sounded like a petulant child but Holly face was filled with understanding and he felt an urge to carry on.

"And it gets worse, I actually missed him at first so so much, he was my big brother all I ever wanted was his approval but he never gave it to me, sometimes he would play the part but I know he never cared and now he's back and he's going to fuck up my whole life, I just know it!" Greg finished in a rush feeling baby tears of anger and humiliation collect in the corner of his eyes, he swiped his hand across his face not wanting to cry in front of Holly.

"Greg." She began.

Suddenly he couldn't stand being around her and her pity. He looked into her eyes and he only saw himself reflected in them, pathetic and childish, so undeserving of the sympathy she felt for him. He stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair.

"I've got to go, I'll see you at school after the holiday" he said interrupting her and wincing at how harsh his voice sounded. He didn't want to be cruel to her but he couldn't stand how vulnerable he had made himself and in some selfish way he blamed her for awakening it in him. He turned around and made to leave but a small hand closed over his wrist, tugging him back until he was face to face with her. She stared at him, her eyes inexplicably sad as she put her arms around him and held him close. Slowly he hugged her back letting himself be comforted. He felt warm breath at his ear as she whispered:

"Don't forget who you are Greg, Rodrick's not your identity and he never will be. You're too strong and he'll never take that away from you. I know you don't want to be a kid anymore but don't let go of what makes you you." She pulled back so that their faces were now inches apart and Greg's eyes widened in surprise as she began to move closer until he could almost feel her lips on his, any second now….

A loud guitar riff made them jump apart in surprise as they looked wildly around for the source of the rock music; it was a few seconds before Greg recognized the song and realized it was his ringtone. He dug down into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out his phone, answering it coolly as if seconds before he and Holly had not been about to kiss.

"Hey Mom."

"Don't you hey mom me Greg Heffley!" Greg moved the phone a few centimetres away from his ear, his mother sounded borderline hysterical and utterly furious "Where are you! It's almost 1 o'clock! Your brother's going to be here any minute now and if you aren't here when he arrives so help me Greg, I will ground you until the day you DIE!"

"Mom, chill okay? I'm on my way home now. I'll be back soon, just stop yelling."

Greg snapped his phone shut on his still screaming mother and zipped his hoodie up to his chin.

"That was my mom, I'm late" he explained lamely.

Holly just nodded staring at the floor.

Greg left without another word. The wind hit him the second he stepped outside the door, biting at him with sharp icy teeth as he set off home at a jog although he didn't want to go home at all. He managed to reach his house in just less than 10 minutes; he came to a stop on the drive trying to get his breath back. And then his heart stopped, because there parked on the curb was a white van with the words _loded diper_ spray painted on in black.

Rodrick.

Greg walked to the door with slow heavy footsteps his heart beating loudly in his chest and panic clouding his thoughts and clawing its way up from his stomach into his throat. He stopped hand on the door, it wasn't too late, he could go back to Holly's she would let him stay for a while, he would explain to his parents later, anything to prevent the inevitable. Just as he was about to run away, the door opened. And standing there in the hallway was Rodrick.

"Hey little brother."

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><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed the first chapter and leave me a review telling me what you thought of it .<strong>


	2. Winter Sunlight

**Just a a quick note, in my story Rodrick is two years older than Greg, enjoy and review!**

just stood there, he was aware he looked like an idiot but he couldn't tear his eyes away from his brother. His brother who was smirking like he had just pulled the best prank ever and was now witnessing the chaos explode around him. It was a look that Greg had seen so many times before and it made his skin burn with indignant anger, in what way was leaving him behind for almost two years anything close to a prank? How could Rodrick find this funny when he had ripped Greg to pieces?

Greg opened his mouth to let all the emotions that were currently bubbling up inside him rip into his stupid arrogant douchebag of a brother when his mom came bustling out from the kitchen. She glanced between her two sons, stood less than a metre apart just staring at each other. She coughed loudly.

"I hate to interrupt your reunion but we have to leave in about half an hour and you look a mess Greg" her tone hardened as she finished glaring at her youngest son, Greg noted that she made no comment on Rodrick's attire even though it was just as bad as his.

"But mom dinners not until 6?" for the second time that day he kicked himself, what was wrong with him he was being given a perfectly good excuse to get away from his brother and he was _asking questions?_

"Gregory" he winced, she only used his full name when she was pissed "we are dropping in on friends and family before we go out, now do not make me ask you twice, go and get changed and for god's sake brush your hair! "She pointed to the stairs. Greg hesitated.

"NOW!"

Greg took one last look at his brother and bolted up the stairs; he slammed the door to his room shut and threw himself onto his bed taking out his fury on an unsuspecting pillow. It was just so unfair, how could Rodrick be back standing in the doorway wearing his stupid grungy teenager clothes like nothing had happened! How was it that Rodrick didn't look a day older than when they had last seen each other? It was all too much, it was as if he had been transported back in time ;The loded diper van blocking the drive, Rodrick's unchanged face, his parents fawning over his brother like idiots, hell Rodrick even made_ him_ feel like the same stupid kid from two years ago, Greg clenched his fists angrily, trying to think happy thoughts that would stop him from marching downstairs and launching himself at Rodrick, he remembered Holly's words from earlier and a tiny ball of hope grew in his stomach, he focused on that, letting it fill him up and push all thoughts of his brother from his mind. With a jolt Greg remembered the almost kiss, the kiss he had been waiting two years for, the kiss, Greg realized with a surge of furious anger, that Rodrick had ruined without being anywhere near them. He stayed like that, face down on the bed for a few minutes before he remembered the very reason he was up here in the first place. He briefly considered getting dressed in something even scruffier as a form of rebellion but he quickly dispelled the idea from his mind, he didn't want to give Rodrick the satisfaction of knowing he had moved his younger brother at all. He pulled his sweater over his head and threw it across the room not caring where it landed, he dressed in a blue shirt and slightly less battered jeans, he kept his fading black all stars on though, they were kind of his signature now and the thought of being without them made him feel naked. He inspected himself in the mirror in his closet door, the outfit looked good, it was smart but careless artfully picked out to have the effect of cool apathy. Not that Greg would have ever in a million years been able to pull of apathy; he was too emotional, to rash, to childish. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, his mom had a point, he looked like death warmed up, lack of sleep combined with the dismal weather made his complexion pale and sallow. His hair was a mess, he knew hair styles like his required maintenance but he didn't have the time or the patience to do anything other than just let it hang over his face, he pulled at one of the strands in front of his eyes, he had considered having it all cut off many times but Holly and Angie had insisted it made him look older. The lack of sunlight had mad his hair darken a few shades adding to the zombie look he was currently sporting, he sighed, winter disagreed with him so, he was like a different person in summer when the sun was shining, he walked over to his desk and picked up the thick red leather photo album Angie had given him for his birthday, he opened the album at random wanting some reassurance, wanting to see his friends smiling at him. He was not disappointed; it was the four of them in a tangle of limbs, laughing and smiling at eachother…

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><p><em>He way lying under the shade of an oak tree at the edge of the school grounds, listening to his friends chattering happily in the sun, Holly had roped Rowley into helping her make a daisy chain and Greg watched with amusement as Rowley's round face screwed up with frustration as he broke yet another daisy, he heard holly reassure him as her nimble fingers worked quickly threading the flowers together with precision and ease. A low laugh distracted him from the happy sight. Angie stood over him smiling benignly at something no one else could see as she so often did.<em>

"_Something funny?" he shielded his eyes to get a better look at her as she sat down next to him, despite the heat she looked cool as ever, yellow wayfarers pushing back straw blonde hair streaked with pink. _

"_Oh nothing much, but next time you want to stare at Holly, remember subtlety is the key my friend" Greg felt a blush grown on his cheeks, he hadn't been staring he had been observing, they were very different things he told himself grabbing a hand full of grass and throwing at her._

"_Shut up Angie" he murmured watching Angie's grin get even bigger as she rummaged around in her bag for something after a while she pulled out an expensive professional looking camera. Greg opened his mouth to ask questions but Angie interrupted him_

"_I'm making memories dick wad go and stand over there with Holly and Rowley" Greg grumbled lightly but did as he was told. It was a mad scramble to get everyone including Angie into the picture before the timer went off and as a result everyone was in fits of laughter, Holly had sweetly suggested they take it again but Angie seemed delighted with the natural happy air of the photo, she liked it all the more for the fact that Greg was in the process of falling into Holly and Rowley wasn't looking at the camera._

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><p><em>G<em>reg felt a wave of guilt crash over him as he thought about his friends, he hadn't exactly treated them well recently , lashing out and blaming them for every little thing that got on his nerves, he knew he was being selfish but he couldn't stop, he enjoyed making other people feel a little bit of his hurt and anger. It was hard to believe the boy in the picture was him less than 6 months ago, the shift in his temperament though, was easily explained. He placed the album carefully back on his desk and walked from his bedroom, no more wallowing in memories, he had to face what was waiting for him in the kitchen, he had to face his past his future and his present whether he liked them very much or not. He had to face Rodrick.

**Another Cliff hanger, I'm just too cruel!I might just reveal why Rodrick went away in the next chapter, but only if you review :p**


	3. Windows To The Soul

**This is the longest chapter yet and it took me forever to write so I'm pretty proud of it, but I enjoyed writing it too. I was actually listening to a bit of Jbiebs when I wrote this, I don't really like him very much but his songs are so damn catchy, but I suggest you don't listen to it when you read this because it will completely kill the tone I've tried to set xx**

The scene that greeted him when he walked into the kitchen made him feel like someone had plunged a knife into his heart. Rodrick was holding onto a chuckling Manny, bouncing him up and down on his knee, whilst their parents stood arms round each other smiling at Manny's delighted squeals and laughter. He felt like and intruder on this happy family scene, like it was him that had fucked off for a year and a half and left everyone behind. Rodrick looked up smiled at Greg, that infuriating ridiculous smirk that made Greg's insides shrivel with rage. He put Manny down and headed towards Greg. His parents looked on with delight at their boys, reuniting, they thought it was wonderful, as Rodrick drew closer Greg's throat constricted and he had to fight to keep from running in the other direction, the adrenaline produced for fight or flight pumping uselessly in his veins Rodrick stopped within touching distance.

"Do I get a hug?" Rodrick held his arms wide open and Greg felt a wave of nausea sweep over him, he would have to close that short distance, he would have to initiate the whole thing, the first humiliation in a long line of many he thought bitterly, stepping forward into Rodrick's chest, Rodrick put one arm around Greg and ruffled his hair with the other. Greg squirmed.

"Quit it Rodrick" Rodrick didn't relent, instead fast as lightning he had Greg in a head lock still ruffling his hair but now he grinded his knuckles into Greg's scalp so hard it was painful

"Tsk, what way is that to greet your brother Greg" Greg looked futilely at his parents, but they seemed to think this was just hi-jinks and totally harmless, Greg struggled harder, finally Rodrick let go and Greg who had been putting all his weight onto Rodrick's forearm in an attempt to shake him off fell onto the tiled floor. Manny clapped his pudgy little hands, thinking this was all a show, even his parents were laughing. He felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment, he picked himself up off the floor refusing to look at his brother knowing he'd see only see sick triumph in those dark, dark eyes. Instead he focused on getting his breathing in check, being that close to Rodrick after such a long time had been like uncorking a bottle of champagne and now questions were bursting forth from every corner of his mind, since when had Rodrick been that strong, when had he stopped wearing that disgusting aftershave that used to have girls swarming and Greg retching, why was Rodrick playing the part of doting sibling with Manny? Questions, questions, so many fucking questions and all of them unanswered. Greg suddenly felt so tired, like Rodrick had drained all of the energy from him with a simple touch, he didn't want to go out to dinner and listen to people talk about how wonderful Rodrick was, he wanted to lock himself in his room and pretend Rodrick hadn't come back, but such was the cruelty of life that 5 minutes later Greg found himself sitting in the backseat of their people carrier inches apart from the very person he so desperately wanted to escape from.

"Right, were just going to drop in on some of the moms from the pta first, I know there all dying to see you, I told them so much about your trip they just want to see the results first hand" Greg's brow furrowed in confusion, why they would want to see Rodrick, when they used to spend half the time trying to keep him away from their precious daughters. After visiting two or three houses however, everything became clear, in a community like theirs you couldn't sneeze without a committee of some sort having afternoon tea to talk about it and so naturally they were all desperate to know more about Rodrick Hefley's return. They all completely shunned Greg, but he couldn't say he envied his brother being interrogated my middle aged women with absolutely nothing better to do, he just sat in a corner working his way through the copious amount of cupcakes they had made for the occasion. After several tedious hours Greg's mom announced it was about time they headed over to the restaurant.

"But first we need to pick up uncle Gary, Benjy Grandma and Grandpa." Even Rodrick with his new perfect son act groaned in unison with Greg at this. When grandpa( their dads father ) and grandma (their mom's mom) were in a room together, it always ended in an argument, they truly hated each other, both grandma and grandpa believed their children were too good for each other despite the fact they'd been married 20 years.

"Boys, your grandparents have promised not to fight and won't it be lovely to have the family together again?" was his mom really so delusional she believed that this was a good idea? Apparently so. On the plus side, Uncle Gary was pretty much the coolest guy ever, so cool in fact Greg had serious trouble believing that Gary and his dad were brothers, but then again he was nothing like Rodrick. Gary's son, Benjy was also pretty cool, for a four year old anyway. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, enough people would be around to ensure he didn't have to say a word to his brother and hey, he might even end up enjoying himself, after all he was getting a break from his moms dreadful cooking out of the deal. As they pulled up to grandmas nursing home where they had all agreed to meet, Greg peered out the window at his family and grinned, Gary had placed himself between the two senior citizens and had put Benjy to work distracting grandma who couldn't resist a cute kid, even if it wasn't related to her. Flakes of snow had started to fall and he wondered why the four of them were standing outside. _Wait, what? Four of them, but there's only one seat left in the car?_ It seemed their father had had the same thought

"Honey" he said tentatively for questioning Susan Heffley was like poking a sleeping dragon with a stick "there's only one seat left in the car and four people to fit in it". His mom glared at his dad as if to say_ really you need to ask?_

"Yes, I know frank but I did think this through, there's a seat in the boot that two people could easily fit in and Benjy can sit on Gary's lap." Greg felt silly; of course his mom would have thought up a plan, she never came unprepared.

"But honey, Grandma and Grandpa in the boot together, is that such a good idea, it's very hard to get blood out of the upholstery."

Susan Heffley inhaled sharply

"Really Frank you think I'm so stupid as to put our parents in the boot!" Greg's father shook his head abashed by his wife's sharp tongue. "Greg and Rodrick will sit in the boot". Greg froze. Then he started to babble desperately.

"What? Mom you can't be serious, there's not enough room!" this was a lie, there was plenty of room for two boys, he had shared the seat with Rowley more times than he could count, yes it was a bit squished, but Rowley was his best friend, he didn't mind being squished with him, but Rodrick? Greg felt like throwing up at the thought of being so close to Rodrick, in the dark with a screen blocking him off from the rest of his family. _Oh no oh no no no no, this isn't happening._

"Don't be ridiculous Greg, you'll both fit just fine, I expected more from you, you're always telling me how you're an adult now, but you can't even share a seat, Grow up Greg" They drew up to the nursing home. Rodrick and His dad hopped out of the car to help their elderly relations in. Greg stayed put. His mom turned round and glared at him

".now" she hissed menacingly. Greg reluctantly stepped out of the car and watched as through narrowed eyes as his grandmother took the spot he had vacated.

"Boot's open boys, hurry up and get in." Rodrick shot an unreadable look at Greg before hopping into the boot, _man up _Greg told himself_, he's not going to kill you, and you probably won't even have to talk to him._ He took a deep breath and clambered into the boot after Rodrick, he didn't even have time to sit down before the boot slammed shut and they were plunged into to total darkness. The car started and Greg lurched forward, falling to his knees. A hand wrapped around his arm and pulled him onto the seat. It took him a few seconds to realize he wasn't on the seat at all, horror swept from his head to his toes as he realized he had been pulled onto Rodrick's lap. He shook his arm free and scrambled into the space next to Rodrick, feeling glad of the darkness, he was so pale these days the slightest embarrassment tinged his cheeks red.

He was uncomfortably aware of Rodrick's arm digging into his side, their thighs pressed together but Greg didn't dare shift, lest he draw attention to himself. Despite the fact he had been expecting some sort of cruel behaviour from Rodrick he still jumped when warm breath tickled his ear

"You don't seem very happy to see me Greg." Even though Rodrick was whispering Greg could still tell he was putting on a high pitched girly voice. "Didn't you miss me?"

"n-no, I don't care if you're back." Rodrick drew away from Greg.

"Oh really, I see you've turned into quite the moody teenager Greg, well done little bro." Rodrick's voice was normal now but there was a hint of menace that scared Greg.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Greg, mom told me" Rodrick adopted the girly voice again and Greg could now tell it was meant to be their mother. "Oh Rodrick, Greg's been ever so absent recently, he's always out with Holly and Rowley or that strange girl, Angie, he's really missed you Rodrick, he won't admit it but I can tell." Rodrick's laugh echoed around the boot

"She doesn't know anything; I can behave however I want to!" Greg had to make an effort to keep his voice down; he didn't want his parents to hear this. Rodrick's face appeared, dangerously close in the darkness, he studied Greg with bottomless black eyes.

"You've certainly changed that's for sure, at least you look different, I bet you're still the same wimpy kid you always were, am I right Greg?"

"Yeah well at least I'm not a total asshole!" _dammit_ thought Greg _whatever happened to staying cool_. He waited for Rodrick to hit him or call him an asshole back but he stayed quiet, leaving Greg to seethe in silence for the rest of the Journey

The meal, as Greg had predicted was a total disaster, He couldn't get Rodrick's mocking words out of his head on top of this he had been stuck next to grandma and prevented from arguing with her daughters father in law she had decided to take her criticisms out on Greg.

"Gregory sit up straight"

"Gregory your hair is far too long"

"Elbows off the table Gregory"

"In my day a young man would never have worn such unruly footwear"

"Tuck your shirt in Gregory"

"You're achieving an average of A-? That's not good enough Gregory; do you want to end up like your father?"

By the time they got home Greg thought his head was going to explode, he now understood why his mom could be such a bitch at times, she had been raised by the devil herself! He trudged miserably up to his room; sleep seemed like the most welcome concept in the whole world right now. He barely even managed to kick off his shoes before he collapsed onto the bed and, exhausted, fell asleep fully clothed.

_Greg knocked on the door to the attic, he knew better now than to go in by himself, Rodrick's wrath was a scary thing, not that he was scared of Rodrick, he was just being… cautious. The door swung open and Rodrick stood there towering imposingly over Greg who only came up to his armpit._

"_What do you want squirt."_

"_I just wondered if you wanted to go out, we could get slushies' or something" He looked at his elder brother hopefully._

"_I'm busy right now Greg, can't you go play with baby hippo." Greg gave him a blank look._

"_ROWLEY!"_

"_Oh uh he's shopping with his mom, and besides I wanted to hang out with you." Rodrick sighed heavily._

"_Oh fuck it, fine. But I'm not going out, get in here." without warning Rodrick grabbed Greg's shirt and pulled him into his room. Rodrick lay down on his bed while Greg sat in the desk chair looking around him. He loved Rodrick's room, it was just so cool! It gave him hope for the future, maybe when he was 15 he'd be like Rodrick._

"_Rodrick can I ask you something?" Greg cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth, why had he even thought this would be a good idea? Rodrick sat up and cocked a curious eyebrow at him._

"_It's about girls" Or more specifically, one girl. Rodrick's eyes narrowed._

"_What about them?" Greg took a deep breath; Rodrick had lots of experience with that sort of stuff and who better to ask than his big brother._

"_Well, there's this girl, in my grade, her name's Holly and I really like her but I don't know what to do about it?" Rodrick stayed silent for a few moments_

"_Holly Hills?" Greg opened his mouth in surprise barely able to manage a nod .How on earth did Rodrick know an 8__th__ grader._

"_Yeah I know her, or at least I know her sister." Rodrick waggled his eyebrows and suddenly Greg understood what he was getting at._

"_Eeeeew, Rodrick that's so gross!"_

"_Come on Greg you know you'll be doing it soon" Greg resisted the urge to clamp his hands over his ears and start singing, it wasn't that he thought …that… was so disgusting but the thought of Rodrick doing it was too much information._

"_If you're gonna be mean I'm leaving, can you help me out or not?"_

"_I don't really see what you want me to do, as if a girl like that would go out with you, I mean if she's anything like her sister she's tall, blonde, hot and totally out of your league" Greg scowled childishly at Rodrick, unfortunately his brother was not deterred from his current teasing topic_

"_In truth Greg I'm surprised you're even into Holly, I honestly thought you batted for the other team" Rodrick's grin was positively devilish now as Greg clenched his fists angrily, recently his sexuality had been Rodrick's favourite button to push and Greg had had enough. He grabbed a pencil case off the desk and hurled it with all his might at Rodrick. It hit him square in the face and he groaned in pain. Greg felt a thrill of satisfaction run through him at knowing he'd bested Rodrick._

"_Being gay is disgusting and sick and I. Most. Certainly. Am. Not." he said from between gritted teeth, he hadn't really meant it but he had to get his point across to his brother. _

_They sat staring at each other and then, without warning Rodrick launched himself at Greg knocking him off his chair and pinning him to the floor. Then Rodrick, twisting one of Greg's arms painfully behind his back grabbed a handful of his hair and hauled him to his feet._

"_Rodrick! What are you do... OWW"Greg howled as Rodrick threw him out of the attic bedroom and onto the landing._

"_Fuck off Greg. I'm busy." And then the door was promptly shut in his face._

Greg woke up suddenly, the dream playing over and over in his head. He could still feel tingles in his scalp where Rodrick had grabbed his hair, but that was only natural because it hadn't just been a dream; it had been a memory too.

**Oh man don't you just love a good flashback, and no the reason Rodrick left was not because Greg threw a pencil case at his head, it's not to do with anything in this chapter but all will be revealed next flashback! Reviews are better that ice cream so leave me some!ps did anyone get the subtle Harry potter reference, tell me if you did!**


	4. Kiss With A Fist

**I decided not to do a Rodrick POV just yet even though i had one written, you guys were right, it totally spoils the this is a bit short but i have exams .oh and if you want music to go with this try when i grow up by fever ray, it's quite dark and slow but i think it suits Greg.**

When Greg woke up for the second time it was a more reasonable hour and despite his slightly disturbing dream he had actually slept pretty well, a thing that had become a rare occurrence for him. He was put in even higher spirits when he looked out of the window and saw a fresh coating of pure white snow covering everything for miles, glinting and sparkling in the faint winter sunlight. His thoughts immediately darted to Holly, she loved the snow and he really ought to make up for his behaviour the other day…yes it was decided, he would go to Holly's house, surprise her and then they could spend the day outside in the snow and by the time he got home the whole day would be gone and he wouldn't even have to breathe the same air as Rodrick. It was a fairly transparent plan but he was so desperate to get out of the house he didn't even mind, Holly was too nice to ask and he was to selfish to care.

Maybe they'd even get to finish what they started yesterday, that kiss, the one he had wanted since middle school. He was still in a state of shock about Holly wanting it too, when had that happened? Greg turned over their relationship in his mind as if he would stumble upon something new that would reveal to him how she felt. They had become friends at the beginning of the 9th grade when they had ended up being lab partners and then, after months of chatting and texting she had confessed that she had become tired of her friends and that they only seemed to care about themselves, Greg being Greg had of course seized the opportunity with both hands and asked her if she'd like to "err hang or whatever" which was, much to Greg's shame a direct quotation.

He had been so stuttery and nervous he had almost had a heart palpitation when she had said yes! Holly and Angie had quickly jelled despite their differences and Rowley was so trusting he would let anyone in if they were nice to him and so It had begun, their little foursome a strange group made up of people who no one would have expected to have become close, the 10th grader, the wimpy kid, the beauty and the funny fat one. But they had become inseparable, the absolute best of friends.

He had always assumed Holly loved him, but in the same way she loved Rowley and the same way he loved Angie, completely and utterly but not romantically. So he had buried his feelings for her and settled on friendship and has time had progressed it had become easier and easier to accept that it was all they'd ever be, friends but yesterday had completely changed all that and he now felt totally lost, Holly was his rock and if something happened between them and it didn't work out he wouldn't be able to cope. But if it did work out, wouldn't it be everything he'd ever wanted, wouldn't it be completely perfect? A niggling doubt in the back of his mind told him that things could be perfect in theory but that life wasn't based on theory, life was spontaneous and emotions were unexpected.

Even so, he needed to see her, the one pillar of stability in his rapidly changing life. He threw on the thickest, warmest clothes he could find and left the sanctuary of his bedroom hoping he wouldn't bump into...

"Whoa whoa little brother you should watch where you're going" Rodrick paused to take in Greg's many layers of clothing "Where _are _you going?"

Greg mumbled something that sounded very much like none of your damn business and ducked past his brother and ran into the kitchen where his mom was feeding manny his breakfast. Greg rolled his eyes; his mother didn't seem to realize that at 5 years old Manny was more than capable of doing it himself.

"Mom, I'm going out." Susan Heffley didn't look up from spooning mouthfuls of cereal into her youngest sons mouth, but her tone was icy and serious and Greg knew that if he had been able to see her eyes they would have been furious

"I told you I would ground you if you were late for Rodrick and you were late, I told you I'd ground you if you were rude to Rodrick and you were rude, so no Greg Heffley I think you'll find you're not going anywhere, anytime soon." As Greg's face fell so did all of his carefully constructed plans for the day. "Besides, we have church today." In all of 5 seconds Greg's expression turned from crest fallen to horrified, Greg hated church, it was boring it was cold and the day his parents had stopped making him go was up there with the best moments of his entire existence.

"Church? But I don't go to church!"

"Well you do today Greg Heffley, so sit down and eat your breakfast like a civilised human being." Greg threw himself into the nearest chair with a loud sigh, he was incredulous, he was annoyed, he was… pretty sure this had something to do with his stupid scheming brother who had just walked into the kitchen wearing a shit eating grin on his face. Greg couldn't help himself; as much as he hated Rodrick he couldn't deny that his older brother fascinated him

"What are you so happy about?"

"I'm just excited to see the church after so long; it holds so many precious memories for me." He scoffed angrily, good memories? What a load of shit, the only remotely memorable thing that had ever happened in church was he and Rodrick rolling around on the floor trying to murder each other after that unfortunate incident with the chocolate stain on his pants, Greg shuddered at the memory, he still couldn't so much as look at a three musketeers bar without wanting to curl up in a ball from the embarrassment. Maybe to Rodrick embarrassing his younger brother _was_ a good memory, Greg wouldn't have been surprised, the only times he had ever seen Rodrick look honestly happy were when someone else was suffering. God Rodrick was a sadistic bastard, why was he the only one who saw it!

As much has he despised the place, Greg had to admit the church looked like it belonged on the front of a holiday card such was its beauty. However even the picturesque exterior couldn't distract him from the freezing, frigid air that filled the churches interior giving the impression that one had just stepped into the home of the abominable snow man, not the home of god. To make matters worse, they were late and it seemed that there simply wasn't room for a family of 5 to sit together, so much to his chagrin, they had split into two groups and surprise surprise he had been lumped with Rodrick while the rest of the family had sat as far away as humanly possible, it seemed the fates were against him as yet again he found himself alone with his brother.

Greg stole a glance at Rodrick who was seemingly engrossed in a sermon about the true meaning of Christmas and giving. Upon closer inspection Greg realized his proclamation that Rodrick hadn't changed at all had been wrong, although Rodrick's hair was still an unnaturally dark coffee colour, it was now peppered with slight caramel highlights that could only have been a result of a trip to the salon or prolonged exposure to the sun and considering Rodrick had been living in Florida for the past year and a half Greg guessed it was the latter. Greg felt a spike of jealousy as he realized that the sun had given Rodrick a light golden tan, making Greg look even paler by comparison. Who would ever notice him when he was stood next to his good looking charismatic brother? He was just a scrawny kid with messy hair, who girls considered an annoyance; Rodrick oozed confidence and charm, and even though they all knew he was bad news girls couldn't resist him. Greg tore his gaze from Rodrick's face and focused on the minister, it was about 10 minutes later when he realized that if boredom didn't kill him the cold would, his entire body was shaking spasmodically and uncontrollably and Greg wished bitterly he had thought to wear a jacket. Rodrick it seemed, was unaffected

"Cold?" Greg bit down hard on his lip to hold back a string of curses. _This is a church, don't let him provoke you._

"No, I'm shivering for fun!" he hissed. Rodrick chuckled throatily.

"Let me help." Greg had barely finished processing this bizarre statement when Rodrick reached out an arm and wrapped it round his waist, resting his hand lightly on the side of Greg's rib cage. Greg's breathing sped up and suddenly he felt almost dizzy.

"Rodrick, what are you doing! Get off me." Rodrick tightened his grip against Greg's squirming.

"Just warming you up little bro, don't make a scene." Rodrick's voice was as calm as ever and he was still staring straight ahead, but a small smile was tugging at the corner of his lips, he knew he had Greg trapped, there was no way out, if he made a fuss the entire church would see and he would undoubtedly get into trouble, so he stilled in Rodrick's grasp and resigned himself to 30 minutes of awkwardness and…warmth?

Although he would have denied it vehemently had anyone asked, being so close to Rodrick had raised his body temperature and he was actually finding the forced embrace rather relaxing. Then Rodrick started moving his hand, fingertips trailing lazily up and down Greg's ribcage, nails scraping oh so lightly at his sides.A sweep of blood crashed through his body. Suddenly it wasn't so relaxing any more; He was suddenly very aware of his own body, of Rodrick's arm pressing into his lower back.

Wherever Rodrick touched him his skin burned. When Rodrick's hand ghosted over his hip, a burst of adrenaline charged through his brain and before he really knew what had happened his fist had connected with the side of his brother's jaw and he was running from the church, bursting through the large wooden doors out into the snow. The cold air hit him like a wall but his nerve endings were on fire and blood was pounding in his ears, whispering to him, chanting one name. Rodrick

**What does this mean!Those two crazy kids!Thanks for all the reviews they mean alot, they also persuade me to write so leave me some please!**


	5. Remembering Sunday

**I feel like you guys are totally going to hate me for this chapter, it's super super SUPER dark, I apologize for nothing!The description said angst did it not?If i had to pick a song for this chapter it would be only exception by to my utterly superb Beta leila-blue, she's awesome!**

"I have NEVER been so embarrassed and in front of the whole congregation, what were you thinking!" Susan Heffley pinched the bridge of her nose pacing back and forth across the kitchen, shooting the occasional glare at Greg. "I am so disappointed in you, Greg. You've let me down, you've let the community down, but most of all, you've let yourself down."

Greg winced internally; his mom was pulling out all her old lecture favourites. He waited in resigned silence for the inevitable "How old are you!" and "You've destroyed my trust". She had been yelling at him for a good half hour now, only pausing occasionally to draw breath and reassure Rodrick that none of it was his fault. Which in Greg's opinion wasn't really fair, it was all Rodrick's fault. But of course his mother didn't know that and he was far too confused and embarrassed to admit to her that the reason he had punched Rodrick was because he had given him a hug.

As a matter of fact in the time that had passed since his fist had connected with Rodrick's face he had begun to doubt whether it had been an altogether sensible reaction. Brothers were meant to hug each other and maybe, just maybe, Rodrick _was_ labouring under the misconception that they were still as close as they had been two years ago. Greg felt a flicker of something stir deep within him as he remembered those times, when Rodrick had been his idol, when he'd have done anything for him. Before it had all been destroyed. A sharp, shrill voice laced with undertones of hysteria cut through his thoughts.

"You're not even listening to me, are you? I don't even know who you are anymore! Get out of my sight, I don't care anymore, Greg, I just don't!" she turned from him and clung to her husband, burying her face in his chest. Frank Heffley stroked his distraught wife's hair in a gesture that made Greg's heart pang with loneliness. He needed to get out of the house, to get away from the suffocating disappointment radiating off his mom in waves.

He stormed out of the house hoping that a walk would clear his head; help him make sense of the mess he suddenly found himself in. Blinded by flurries of snow, squinting against the onslaught of white flakes, he was only vaguely aware of a blur of movement in a side road to his right. The sensation was less of flying more like being picked up and hurled. He came to rest on the sidewalk his face pressed against the wet asphalt. He tried to move his head but found himself inexplicably paralysed. People loomed into his line of sight asking him over and over if he was alright. One, a middle aged woman wearing an apron was crying. That was when he realised that he was probably not alright at all and that his mother would be waiting for a long time for him to return home.

As his vision grew fuzzy and the panicked voices softened into murmurs, a very distinct memory made its way to the forefront of his mind. The day Manny was born, he and Rodrick were staying at home with Uncle Gary, having been deemed a little too young to stay at the hospital. His brother had hugged him so tight it was painful and demanded he promise that he would always love Rodrick more than the new baby, that he would always be his favourite brother. Greg remembered the way he had thought Rodrick silly for voicing such concerns and that of course he loved Rodrick more than anything or anyone else. As the edges of the world started to fade into blackness Greg remembered the conviction with which he had declared undying loyalty and he felt almost guilty. His last thought was that maybe it was he who had betrayed Rodrick. Then Greg Heffley's eyes fluttered shut, looking for all the world like he was asleep.

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><p>Rodrick Heffley was unhappy; he didn't really want to be out into the snow looking for his melodramatic sibling, especially when said sibling had socked him in the jaw less than two hours his mother, tearful and whiny had begged him to retrieve his brother and refusing her, no matter how desperately he wanted to, wouldn't fit in with his new reformed son act. After walking blindly into the direction he hoped was forwards for 10 minutes he gave up, Greg was probably at his little girlfriend's house by now anyway and if he was being honest Rodrick didn't really trust himself to be around Greg right now. The dull ache in his jaw served as a constant reminder that Greg hadn't played his game properly and that thought alone put Rodrick in a foul mood. He was planning his excuse for coming back empty handed when he heard the screams.<p>

They were loud and panicked, not the screams of someone in pain or danger but of someone who had been taken by surprise. Morbid curiosity propelled him towards the source of the screams and soon he was at the edge of a large crowd of people, all focusing on something on the side walk. Rodrick listened to their conversations .not something, someone. A few of the crowd had turned to look at him now and Rodrick was surprised by the expressions of shock on their stupid faces, why were they looking at him when some kid had been hit by a truck? Then Rodrick heard the worst thing he could ever have imagined.

Brother.

Realisation hit him like a bullet between the eyes. Bile rose in his throat as he shoved people out of the way viciously .

He dropped to his knees before the body that lay at an awkward angle on the side walk. Black sweatshirt. Scuffed converse all stars. Rodrick felt dizzy with fear. Dark brown hair soaked from the snow fell over an ice white face. Dark lashes rested on high cheek bones. Rodrick had always prided himself for his tight grip on reality but his entire world seemed to crash around him as he stared at that face through tunnelled vision. Greg.

** weren't expecting that were you?I included a bit of Rodrick's POV to make up for the plot twist.I want to leave you hanging but would that be fair?no it wouldn't greg isn't dead, just a bit injured he'll be fine before you know it, but i needed to include this as a means of bringing the two of them back together.I have a lot in store, just wait and and no flames please, it's my story and if you wanted a plot less piece of garbage than you shouldn't have started reading!**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, it's a nice feeling, you all say such lovely things!Have a nice day!**


	6. Flowers In Her Hand

**Sorry about the long wait, I'm recovering from an operation at the moment so I'm absolutely wiped out! Without further ado chapter 6….**

Greg woke slowly; before he even opened his eyes, he felt pain flaring all over his body, pinpricks of heat. He gulped in a large breath, quickly discovering what a mistake that had been as fire engulfed his lungs. He cried out weakly, twisting on to his side. It hardly helped. Everything hurt.

"Greg, Greg honey, calm down. You'll be alright, just calm down," his mom said softly, holding his right hand. He breathed in deeply through his nose. A distinct smell of disinfectant crossed with medicine assaulted his nostrils. He opened his eyes, blinded momentarily by the harsh fluorescent lights above him.

He looked around trying to take in his surroundings. White walls, padded blue chairs, monitors, drips. His eyes came to rest on the woman clutching at his fingers. She looked so different that it took him a moment to figure out who it was, Susan Heffley's face was ashen and her eyes, red from crying, were framed with dark, bruise like shadows. His mother's haggard appearance frightened him more than his clinical surroundings.

Ever since he could remember she had always taken great pride in her appearance, even with a baby on her hip and two teenagers on her case she never had a hair out of place. He tried to think through the haze that seemed to surround his mind but the answer to his questions kept evading him, darting out of reach making him feel tired and sluggish, he was in a hospital that much was clear, but…why?

Greg's eyelids felt strangely heavy and he was overcome with a desire to close his eyes and sink further into the murky recesses of his mind. If only he could rest, then maybe everything would become clearer. His eyes slipped shut and he drifted off into a drug induced slumber.

* * *

><p>Rodrick observed the hospital cafeteria's other patrons with detached curiosity as he sipped at an overpriced coffee. He was drawn in particular to a woman with two children that was sat three tables down from him. She looked drawn and angry, like she was carrying the world on her shoulders. Rodrick noticed the golden band on her ring finger.<p>

This was his favorite game, guessing who and why these people were visiting. He enjoyed absorbing their misery, laughing at their self-pitied moping. This particular woman had been in the cafeteria at 4:30 every day so far this week; Rodrick guessed she was visiting her sick husband.

Normally he didn't care for people but this woman amused him, she had the look of someone who had once been pretty but had lost it a long time ago. Her thin shoulders were slumped beneath a heavy beige jumper and her long spindly fingers clenched and unclenched constantly. But the most notable thing about her was her eyes. They had the steely look of a martyr but lacking the passion that most self-sacrificing types had. Even as she soothed a young boy of about six with scabbed knees and white blonde hair, her expression was utterly cold.

It was funny how the people in here seemed unhappier than the actual residents of the hospitals many beds, how they drank their coffee in silence clutching cheap gas station flowers, putting off visiting people who needed them. They were his people, he understood them, and he understood the dread and horror of seeing someone you loved rot before your very eyes.

That was why he was down here shifting in an uncomfortable plastic chair while his parents waited for his brother to wake up. In the darkest parts of his mind it wasn't a question of when but if, if Greg woke up, if Greg got better, if Greg came home. He knew everyone else was thinking it too; the doctors couldn't assess the damage until Greg was conscious so the extent of his injuries was unknown.

3 days 4 hours and 15 minutes, how much longer could it possibly be? He couldn't stand much more of this, the waiting, the crying, just staring at the lifeless body, watching his parents fall to pieces. Rodrick liked the dark, but this shadow that had fallen over them all was just a little bit too much. It wasn't a game and there was no safe word. He drank other people's misery up but now he was drowning in it.

He got up and started toward the elevator that would lead him to the HDU and then glanced back wistfully at the door signed posted "way out". He could tell his parents he felt ill, he could tell a lie, and he had always been good at doing that. People were staring now, staring at the strange dark haired boy standing stock still in the middle of the cafeteria looking like he was facing Sophie's choice. He didn't care, they were just people, they all had the same conflict or they wouldn't be in here. A mechanical grating sounded through the room as the elevator doors slid open to reveal a very young nurse, with the words trainee on her name badge and forehead.

"Rodrick Heffley?" He considered bolting. No, that wouldn't do. Smolder and intimidate, smolder and intimidate.

"Yeah, what do you want" he turned to face the young nurse, fixing her with his trademark stare. Her eyes widened as she took him in. He could practically see himself reflected in her awestruck gaze, he was all wiry length, caramel skin and artfully disheveled hair and although he didn't care for girls or their stupidity he had learned early on that if someone thought their attraction was mutual they would be yours to play with until you decided otherwise.

"Y-your Brother, he's woken up. They moved him so your parents have asked me to come and get you." He stared at her for a second, letting it soak in, Greg, _his Greg_, was awake! He walked up to her slowly, surely.

"Take me to him." The nurse floundered for a few seconds.

"Of-of course right this way." She led him through what seemed like endless white corridors until they reached a glass door way adorned with pictures of cartoon characters.

"I just need to check if you can go in." Rodrick's smile faltered. He sidled even closer to her, glancing down at her name tag as he did so.

"Julia, I get it, you're just doing your job and I admire you for that, but he's my baby brother and I have to see him. I can tell you understand that Julia, please do this for me, let me in. I'll be forever grateful to you, Julia." Her breath quickened.

"Well I suppose it couldn't hurt to let you go in…"

_Hurry up you silly bitch._

"Please Julia…" She bit her lip and then shot Rodrick a smile that made him want to recoil from her.

"Go on then. Room 2." She swiped her name badge and Rodrick walked as calmly as he could manage into Greg's new room. It was empty, except for a blonde girl in one of the plastic chairs, who looked distinctly familiar.

"You must be Rodrick! I'm Holly Hills, Greg's friend, you just missed him! He wasn't awake very long and he was totally out of it, they took him for some scans, isn't that brilliant, the doctor says that if the scans come back clear he could be home for Christmas." Rodrick felt a red haze creep around the edges of his vision as he tried to control the white hot rage storming through his body at an alarming rate. Suppressing the urge to drag this smug little bitch out of the hospital by her long wavy hair he smiled. Time to utilize those excellent lying skills.

"That's great! I'll see him when he gets back. Nice to meet you Holly, although I must say Greg never mentioned you, he told me lots about Angie but never anything about a Holly, you must be a new friend. I think we're all looking forward to seeing Greg back home where he belongs!" Holly's face drooped, he had clearly hit a nerve. It didn't matter that it had been a lie; this girl didn't have the guts to ever say anything to Greg about it. Well it hadn't all been a lie, he was looking forward to Greg coming home, he had a very special Christmas planned.

**Another short Chapter, sorry guys, I had to literally force this one out! I promise I won't abandon this story though; it will be updated more regularly in future! Review please!Oh thanks to my brilliant beta reader Leila blue, she makes this story like 100 x better!Btw in case any of you were wondering the title for this chapter is from a song called Julia, so i thought it fit well even though it mainly references to the bit where he's talking about cheap gas station of the titles to my chapters mean something but i thought this one might be a bit unclear.**


	7. Signs Of An Apostle

For as long as she could remember Susan Heffley had always believed in God. She didn't quite know why, she just knew that she did.

Her parents had never been religious and she had never been on the receiving end of anything particularly miraculous or spectacular but there had never been any doubt in her mind that there was someone or something watching over her.

Some people found her devotion to her faith unnerving, always searching for some sort of catalyst, not truly believing that someone could just believe because they wanted to and not because they had been brainwashed.

Even holding her comatose son's hand she believed. Even watching her eldest son leave home for two years for no apparent reason she had believed. Even weeping by her father's casket she had believed.

So it could have been said that if anyone was deserving of a miracle it was Susan Heffley. Even so as she got down on her knees and bowed her head in the hospital chapel she wasn't really expecting anything to happen. And it didn't, when she lifted her head nothing had changed and as she returned to her son's bed she accepted that nothing had changed there either. Oh well she thought, maybe god was transcendent after all or maybe he was just really busy with people who needed him more at the moment, it didn't matter, she didn't blame him.

She stared at her sons seemingly sleeping face and realised with an unpleasant jolt that it was the first expression of pure peace she had seen on his face in a very long time. She studied his features intently, determined to ingrain every last detail into her memory just in case he… she never got an opportunity to look at him properly again.

He was such a handsome boy and with his pale face and shock of dark hair he was incredibly striking, she knew it wasn't just motherly love talking, she had heard the young girls giggling and whispering when he walked past, it was a pity he didn't take any interest in them whatsoever.

Out of all her sons, she held a soft spot for Greg, she wasn't sure why, maybe because after the nightmare that was Rodrick she hadn't expected to have a child who was so very wonderful, he was polite and attentive, his grades were fantastic and although he could be clumsy and gullible, it only served to highlight the innocence of his heart.

A single tear dripped down her cheek and onto the pale blue bed covers. As she looked him over she knew that Greg Heffley had been absent for a lot longer than three days and she swore that if,_ when, _he woke up she would bring him back properly, back to when he was happy.

She rested her head on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes, she was exhausted but she refused to be anywhere but right by his side. She gave his hand one last squeeze before slipping into a fitful sleep.A sudden, barely there twitch against her hand slammed her back into consciousness. Another twitch, Susan Heffley's hand reached for the call button. A low pained groan, so quiet she might of imagined it. Another twitch more violent this time, as his body convulsed to the left, this time the groan was not quiet at all.

"Greg, Greg honey, calm down. You'll be alright, just calm down."

Cerulean blue eyes opened painfully slowly and the confusion and pain in them sent a stab of agony to her heart. But he was awake, her boy, her baby was awake and the only thought in her head was thank you god thank you. Susan Heffley had gotten her miracle.

* * *

><p>Greg listened in shocked awe as his father calmly informed him he had been hit by a truck. He could practically hear Rodrick's silent laughter from across the room.<p>

"W-what, are you kidding me, dad how is that even, I don't …?"He tried to get his head around the fact but it just didn't make any sense, it was like wading through treacle, slow and frustrating, not to mention humiliating. Greg suspected his confusion had something to do with the high levels of morphine being pumped into his blood stream.

"Can you really not remember it at all?" Greg tried to concentrate on that day but everything after storming from the house was a snowy noisy blur. He shook his head, wincing at the soreness in his neck. His father placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, while a young woman with mousy brown hair scribbled furiously on his chart. When she spoke her voice had a nasal brittle quality that put Greg in mind of fingernails down a chalk board.

"Well, Dr Moody says that if we can get you out of bed within the next few days and then slowly progress to walking around the ward, you should be home in next to no time, I just need to take your blood pressure and then were done here." Walking? What were these people on, he had only woken up a day ago and now, the minute they knew there was nothing life threatening wrong with him they wanted him out!

"Oh that's brilliant news isn't it Greg? Will you be okay on your own for a bit I need to go and pick your mother up, it took enough to get her to go home at all, if I'm late bringing her here she won't leave!" Greg nodded, faking a smile as he watched his father walk out the door.

The minute he was gone he made a noise of distress and slumped back onto the pillows, might as well lie back while I still can, he thought bitterly. He knew it was a necessity to get walking but he was scared of the pain he knew would come with it and the fear made him childish.

The young nurse gave him a sympathetic smile, he only scowled in return, it was her job to deal with grumpy teenagers he reasoned as her face fell slightly at his disdain.

"Mr Heffley, I know it sounds like a lot right now but your injuries will only get worse if you sit on them!" When he made no effort to respond she advanced on him with the blood pressure cuff. As she strapped it to his arm he noticed that her attention seemed …elsewhere? Or he realised as he followed her eyes to the corner of the room, her attention was most definitely somewhere.

But it most certainly wasn't on her job; no it was on a very Rodrick shaped somewhere. He almost laughed, wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake if Rodrick seduced his nurse!

She wasn't nearly pretty enough for him in fact with her watery eyes and mousy hair she was really rather plain, but Rodrick had never been particularly fussy about what he was putting his dick inside.

Greg burned with the injustice of it all, On top of ruining his chances with Holly, embarrassing him in church and practically being the reason he was in hospital he was now compromising his medical care by getting off with his nurse, well that was just fucking awesome.

"Julia?" It took Greg a moment to realize that Rodrick was not only talking to his nurse but seemed to be on first name basis with her. Wonderful. "I don't know much about medicine but isn't that supposed to go on his upper arm not his elbow. "The nurse giggled in an embarrassed way, securing the cuff on his arm with an over dramatic and spectacularly lame flourish. Greg wondered if even Rodrick would stoop_ this_ low.

"Yes, very amusing Julia, I'm sure your supervisors would be splitting their sides to hear that you can't even perform a basic medical check. Next time pay attention to your patient and not his brother hmm?" Stunned silence filled the room, both Julia and Greg momentarily silenced by the undiluted venom in his voice.

It was a tone Rodrick only adopted when he was murderously angry. A tone he was sure many people didn't even know existed. Greg almost felt sorry for the nurse being on the receiving end of Rodrick's wrath. Almost, but not quite. The young nurse flushed a violent shade of red and mumbled her apologies, Greg could have almost sworn she applied a little more pressure than was needed to his arm but then again, he was hyper sensitive to touch at the moment and it didn't help that literally every inch of him was marred by nasty purple and yellow bruises.

"All-all fine here, I'll be back in two hours to check on you again. I'll err leave you to it then." Rodrick let out a low chuckle as the girl fled the room and Greg was reminded once again of how inherently evil Rodrick was. Still, he had sort of helped him out back there, and even though he was about 85% sure Rodrick had turned on the nurse more for his own amusement rather than Greg's well-being, it had still been an almost nice thing that Rodrick had done.

"Thanks for that, I appreciated it." Rodrick blanched and raised his eyebrows in disbelief. Greg smiled internally relishing in being able to break Rodrick's composure even if it was at the risk of his own pride.

"Seriously, you're thanking me? Clearly the doctors forgot to check for head trauma."

"Very funny Rodrick, I said thank you, take it or leave it, I couldn't care less. I just want to sleep right now." To prove his point Greg closed his eyes and pulled the flimsy blue covers up round his chin.

"You've done nothing but sleep for the past four days, from what I remember you were always an annoyingly chirpy early bird." He could hear the smirk in Rodrick's voice, apparently goading someone in a hospital bed was not beyond his moral boundaries. If Rodrick even had any.

"In case you hadn't noticed it's been two years. People change. Besides I just got hit by a freaking truck; I think I'm allowed to be a little bit lazy right now." Rodrick didn't say anything for a long time and Greg's words, so laced with implications hung thickly in the air. He squeezed his eyes tight shut wanting to pluck the words out of the atmosphere and shove them back into his stupid careless brain.

"Yeah I guess so. Doesn't feel like so long to me. Maybe time moves faster in Florida. I'm going to the cafeteria to get a coffee, you want anything?" Greg said nothing, pretending to be asleep, it was easier that way. Rodrick heaved a sigh and Greg heard the sounds of a chair being pushed back and rubber soles squeaking on the linoleum. He waited until he was sure Rodrick was gone to open his eyes. His throat felt tight and the edges of his vision grew hot and blurry. He tipped his head upwards in an attempt to stop the tears that had gathered in his eyes from falling.

That was the first vaguely civil conversation he'd had with his brother in 1 and a half years and it had made the hollow in his chest ache like nothing he'd ever felt before. He hated his brother. He hated every fibre of him from the unruly hairs on his head to the chequered slip-ons adorning his stupid size 8 feet. But by god had he missed him, and now he was back, he still missed him, because it was different and it was wrong and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

And he couldn't tattle on Rodrick for causing him this kind of hurt because no one would ever understand and how could he expect them to when he didn't even understand it himself.

A yawn escaped his lips and he realised that he really was very tired. Sleep came to him soon after that swallowing his worries and wiping the pain away.

* * *

><p>Although Greg had never been one for rash judgements he felt safe in the knowledge that after one week in hospital he now despised the place with all his heart. It was too white and too clean and in his opinion it didn't matter how many hang in there kiddo posters you plastered on the walls it was still fucking miserable.<p>

During the day he was bored out of his mind, apart from when he went on his walks and then he was too busy concentrating on not fainting to have any sort of thoughts that weren't one foot in front of the other, but at night, all he could hear was crying. Sometimes it was a tiny baby screaming at the top of its lungs, others it was a little kid on the ward sobbing in pain. The specifics didn't matter all he knew was it bothered him a lot. So naturally he was completely delighted when he was discharged.

"You'll need to go home in an ambulance but I didn't think you'd have any troubles with that, most of our younger patients find it quite fun. You're under 16 so your mother will have to ride in the ambulance with you." The nurse, who had been looking after him ever since the Rodrick incident four days ago, beamed at him and Greg wondered how many horrible things she'd seen today to make one patient going home make her light up.

Greg had decided straight away that he liked her and her presence had made the torturously slow journey's round the ward bearable. He decided he would send her a thank you card or something when he was recovered. Once his mother had finished her tearful thankyous, which took a substantial amount of time, and had phoned his father who was at home with Manny, a problem made itself evident.

A problem which manifested itself in the form of Rodrick. His brother, who had been sitting in the corner being quiet as he had done for most of the time he had spent in the hospital, cleared his throat and stood up.

"So if mom's going home in the ambulance, who's taking the car home and how am I getting back." His mom shot Rodrick a cold look, one usually reserved for bad behaviour, clearly she didn't appreciate Rodrick stamping all over her happy moment.

"Your father can pick you up, it'll be fine!"

"We live 100 miles away from the hospital, he'll have to drive here to get me and then he'll have to drive back again to get the car, that's kind of stupid. Why don't I drive the car home?" Ah there was the ulterior motive he knew so well.

"Oh no, no, no. There is no chance you are driving that car 100 miles young man, you're not insured to drive it and I've seen the damage you do to that van! You can come with me and Greg in the ambulance." Rodrick looked furious.

"I'm afraid that's not possible Mrs Heffley, there's only room for one additional person in the ambulance. Why don't you drive home and your son can take your place in the ambulance with Greg?" Suddenly Greg didn't like the nurse so much anymore.

"Well, I suppose that could work, you'll make sure he's okay, won't you Rodrick?" Greg considered staging a loud protest, but he knew it would be ignored. A look of pain crossed Rodrick's face and Greg could see the internal battle, keep up the act and be a good son were locked in fierce combat with really not wanting to help.

"Yeah sure, I'll go with him, mom. You don't need to worry." The look the nurse and his mom gave Rodrick was nauseating. So was the ten minute journey on a stretcher from his room to the ambulance. Every bump made him hiss in pain and the prospect of a journey with Rodrick made him want to hurl. The paramedic, a bulky man of about 40 who had a thick Brooklyn accent, lifted the stretcher into the ambulance and strapped everything in.

"Don't want you sliding around in here, do we. Who's riding with him?" Rodrick gave a nod and the man gestured to a black seat near Greg's head. As the doors slid shut and his mother disappeared from view, Greg wanted to cry, whenever he was left alone with Rodrick bad things happened. Correction, bad things happened to him, Rodrick always came out unscathed.

Greg didn't have long to dwell on his self-pitying thoughts however as the ambulance began to move, the pain was everywhere, in every fibre of him making him want to cry out, he kept his mouth tightly shut and tried to employ some of the breathing tricks he had been taught when he had broken his foot at camp 3 years ago. But oh god it hurt, he couldn't help but let the tiniest whimper of pain escape. Rodrick, who had been staring out of the window, leaned over him slightly, an unreadable look in his dark eyes.

"What's wrong?" Rodrick's words sounded wooden and forced. Greg dug his nails into his palm hard enough to draw blood. He said nothing, he knew if he opened his mouth he wouldn't be able to hold back from crying.

"Greg, I asked you what was wrong!" Rodrick's voice had an edge to it; He hated being ignored. A hand pressed into his shoulder causing the pain to amplify. He let out a strangled sob, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Rodrick snatched his hand back, clearly not expecting such a strong reaction. But the floodgates had been opened and Greg couldn't stop the sobs that wracked his small frame. Rodrick looked mildly panicked, not used to seeing his brother cry when it wasn't at his hand. A small frown made its way onto his face.

"Stop digging your nails into your hands, you're making yourself bleed."

"Like you c-care!" Rodrick rolled his eyes

"I'm your brother. You need to calm down" Greg closed his eyes and took deep breaths, they were on the freeway now and the pain had subsided a substantial amount, he managed to get his sobs under control and now they were little more than occasional hiccups. He could get through this. Suddenly the driver braked abruptly and the pain came back in full force. His eyes flew open and with our thinking the grabbed Rodrick's hand in a death grip. He dug his nails in and Rodrick hissed. Realizing what he had done Greg let his arm fall limply to his side. Not a minute later he felt Rodrick's warm hand lock with his again.

"I'd rather you dug your nails into me than yourself. Mom would kill me if she thought I hadn't looked after you properly." Oddly enough having Rodrick's fingers around his own, whilst being totally weird, was comforting and he was soon calm enough to speak , it felt wrong to break the silence but how long would it be before he had his brother alone and In a halfway decent mood? Probably never. He decided to test the waters.

"Since when do you care what mom thinks? Maybe you just can't stand to see me cry, I am your baby brother after all. "Rodrick glared at him but made no move to release his hand.

"Don't flatter yourself and if you tell anyone about this, the pain of being hit by a truck will be like getting a massage compared to what I will do to you." Although Rodrick was threatening him, Greg was pleased, he preferred this Rodrick, the real Rodrick to the simpering suck up he turned into around everyone else. In a fucked up way he felt almost privileged that he was the one Rodrick revealed his true nature to.

"I'm terrified, really, I am." Greg quipped. Rodrick brought his face closer.

"You should be."


	8. Let It Begin

**Short chapter, sorry! But be warned it's not for the faint hearted.**

Greg turned again in his bed, back front side, he had tried every position, and nothing was comfortable. It wasn't that he didn't want to sleep, quite the opposite, he was desperately tired and it felt like even the hairs on his head were heavy, but he couldn't switch off.

Every time he closed his eyes it was like a tiny screen was switched on his head playing back the day's events, forcing him to think and stay awake when all he really wanted was to sink into oblivion. He glanced at the clock beside his bed and groaned, 2:00 am, his mother would be getting him up in 6 hours, bounding into his room as she did every morning, and saying that a day spent in bed was a day wasted.

He glared at the little green digits trying to scare them into giving him a few more hours until dawn. Tomorrow or today as it were, would be Christmas Eve and with it would come visitors and carol singers and church services and all the pomp and circumstance that Greg couldn't stand.

It wasn't that he didn't like the idea of Christmas, quite the opposite, he loved the idea of seeing family and exchanging gifts and eating far too much food.

But the reality of Christmas was nothing like that, it was garish and unpleasant. The magic had been ruined for him when he was 6, he had been laying out cookies for Santa and Rodrick had appeared out of nowhere and slyly whispered in his ear that Santa didn't exist, he hadn't been able to really enjoy it since.

Greg rolled onto his front once again and his muscles screamed in protest, the whole acute pain thing wasn't really helping him fall asleep either. He slid out of bed and walked to his door wincing as the floor boards creaked under his weight. He didn't want his mother to wake up and start panicking about his insomnia. He just wanted to go downstairs take a few aspirin and go back to bed. As he padded down the stairs he heard a noise coming from behind him, but he disregarded it as paranoia on his part.

Once he had finished up in the kitchen he climbed the stairs glass of water in hand and was about to go into his room when he heard it again. A sort of low whine, like an animal in distress would make, his first thought was that Manny was crying but after listening for another few seconds he realized it was coming from the attic.

_Good_, thought Greg, _I hope the fucker's in pain, he's caused me enough _but he didn't mean it, not really.

Without thinking he tiptoed over to the door of Rodrick's room. He pressed his ear to the door listened intently. Greg could hear heavy breathing coming from inside and he wondered if maybe Rodrick was asleep. Then he heard something like a groan, and thought, he's definitely asleep. Maybe not having a great time of it, but still, asleep.

For the second time that night Greg started towards his room, but then Rodrick groaned again, except this time it sounded more like he was forming words at the same time. Greg's common sense screamed at him to just go back to bed and forget about it but at the same time he knew that if Rodrick was talking in his sleep then this was far too good an opportunity to miss. His hand closed over the door knob and slowly turned it wincing at the almost in audible creak it made as he gently pushed the door open and slipped inside.

He stood stock still, eyes adjusting to the almost darkness, blood pounding in his ears as he listened to Rodrick's nonsensical murmurs.

When his heart rate had slowed somewhat (well, as much as is possible when you're in your older brothers room in the dead of night without permission) he began a slow cautious ascent of the stairs that led to Rodrick's actual bed space. As he neared the top he began to feel slightly sick, if Rodrick wasn't asleep then he would surely spot him crawling up his stairs and Greg didn't want to dwell on just how furious Rodrick would be if that happened.

Taking a deep breath Greg, who was kneeling a few steps down from the top of the stair case put a hand on the banister and peeked through the wooden railings.

The room was dimly lit by a string of Christmas lights wrapped round the curtain pole and so Greg could see quite clearly. Rodrick was not angry but neither was he asleep, Greg studied the lump under the bedcovers and concluded that Rodrick must be on his phone under the covers or something, it was the only plausible explanation for why he was in such an awkward position.

He had the covers pulled up to his chin and his knees were bent but there was slight movement under the covers. Greg shook himself for being so stupid and prepared for a painstaking descent down the stairs and a rush across the landing to the safety of his own bed when he noticed that Rodrick's eyes were shut and his usually apathetic face was contorted into a very odd grimace.

Rodrick gave a particularly loud groan and Greg's blood seemed to freeze in his veins as he realised just what he had walked in on. He swallowed hard.

His brain screamed at him to GET OUT and for once he was more than willing to oblige, but just as he started to move Rodrick turned onto his side to face the exact spot where Greg was crouching, his eyes were still closed, but if he opened them the first thing he would see would be his younger brother clutching at the banisters mouth agape in shock and disbelief at the situation he had managed to get himself into.

Greg stared at his brother's face paralysed by the fear of being discovered. Rodrick's long unruly hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat .His lips were slightly parted and every so often an unmistakably pornographic moan would fall from them making Greg's face burn with embarrassment.

One particularly enthusiastic movement from beneath the sheets caused Rodrick to arch upwards and the covers slipped down to his waist revealing his naked torso. His lightly tanned chest was heaving erratically and Greg watched in morbid fascination as his brother's arm movements lost any semblance of a rhythm and became quick and desperate.

Greg had enough experience with these matters to know that Rodrick was close to finishing and he needed to get out before he did or he was fucked.

But it was too late; with one last vicious arm movement Rodrick cried out and went still. _Fuck! _Greg ducked down out of sight and held his breath waiting for the inevitable yell of what the fuck are you doing in my room!

But it never came and after a few minutes Greg built up the courage to sneak down the stairs and into his own room. He leant back against the door frame and slid to the floor.

He ran a hand through his hair and then realised he was shaking uncontrollably. He rubbed the heel of his other hands against his eyes trying to no avail to dispel the image of Rodrick contorted in pleasure that seemed to have burned itself onto his retinas.

Shit, just holy fucking shit. He had been so sure Rodrick had seen him at the end of his _thing,_ clearly his imagination was going into over drive, but still he was could have sworn he heard Rodrick call his name.

**Poor naive Greg, I'm so cruel to put him in such awkward situations, leave me a review telling me what you thought of this!**


	9. Perfect Devil

**Oh man this story is getting so flipping angsty! I really hope you guys like this chapter, i actually finished it pretty quickly.I have some important news with regards to this story but I'm going to put it at the end because , well because i want to! Your reviews are the best motivator in the world, i honestly can't convey how lovely it is that you guys have given this so much feedback!Without further ado my good friends...**

_"You do have a story inside you. It lies articulate and waiting to be written, behind your silence and you are suffering." __- Anne Rice_

Greg stared at his cereal, trying very hard not to think about what he had witnessed last night. He tried valiantly to find distraction in the soggy yellow flakes floating around his bowl, but alas it seemed his brain wasn't going to be deterred by cornflakes. He could see his mother out of the corner of his eye, shooting him worried glances, but at that moment in time he just didn't care. He sighed and went to dump his untouched cereal in the sink. His mother elbowed her husband and nodded in what she thought was a surreptitious way in his direction. Greg loved them dearly, but his parents had all the subtlety of a brick wall.

"Greg honey, are you okay? Are you in pain, do you want me to call a doctor" oh god that was the last thing he needed, another trip to the hospital. He arranged his face into what he hoped was a happy healthy look and turned away from the sink and to face his anxious parents.

"Mom, I'm honestly fine, just tired is all." The last part was true, he hadn't been able to sleep at all last night, he had just lay awake staring at the ceiling in abject horror.

"At least eat something, you've got a busy day ahead, sit down I'll make you some toast, your brother will be down in a minute anyway and we need a family meeting." Greg groaned internally, family meetings were bad enough, but now he had to deal with looking Rodrick in the eye after he'd seen…that.

He felt queasy as his mother presented him with a slice of toast and a glass of water to accompany the cocktail of drugs he'd been prescribed for the pain. He swallowed them down, grimacing at the bitter taste left in his mouth. He was very aware of his parent's scrutiny as he bit into the toast and so he smiled as he chewed ignoring the fact that it tasted like cardboard to him.

He would have preferred to do this on an empty stomach, he was so nervous he felt like he would hurl at any second. Just as he finished the last mouthful of toast his brother flounced into the kitchen and sat down non to gracefully in the chair across from him. Butterflies swirled viciously in his stomach as he steeled himself to make eye contact with Rodrick.

Greg almost let out a hysterical laugh at the fact that he had just described what actually felt like a monster clawing at his throat trying to force its way out as butterflies. Hoping his emotions weren't written all over his face he looked up through his fringe at Rodrick, his heart lurched unpleasantly against his ribcage as he met Rodrick's hazel eyes with his own.

He looked quickly back down again, trying to take a 5 second glance and turn into evidence about whether Rodrick knew Greg had watched him jerk off last night. If Rodrick did know then what was he going to do about it? What if he told people? What if Holly found out, oh god, she would never talk to him again. No one would believe it had been an accident, he would just look like a pervert, which he _**wasn't. **_

There was a rational part of his brain that told him that even if Rodrick knew, he wouldn't announce it to the world because it would reflect badly on him to, but that part was being drowned out by the utter panic that seemed to have infiltrated the rest of his head.

"Greg? GREG!" he snapped out of his own terrifying thoughts and looked at his father who was staring at him expectantly.

"oh sorry, I didn't hear, I wasn't-sorry." It was a testament to how worried his parents were about his behaviour that his father didn't lecture him on the importance of paying attention. The hatred of being ignored was not unique to his older sibling.

"Your mother and I want to talk to you about the family party tonight, we know it's tradition and you've been looking forward to it-" oh yeah, thought Greg, who wouldn't look forward to being accosted by a thousand and one relatives "-but uncle Gary lives an hour and a half away and we just don't think that you're up for it yet." He wanted to jump on the offer, but he knew his parents loved that party and there was no way they would leave him on his own. If he stayed home so did they.

"I don't want you guys to miss the party on my account, I'm sure I could manage."

"Well, that's what we wanted to talk to you about; Rodrick honey, would you stay home with your brother tonight, we wouldn't be back late and we just can't leave him on his own." Greg stared slack jawed at his parents. A whole evening, stuck in a house with only Rodrick, incapable of running away. His parents were going to come home a dead body, he was sure of it. Rodrick's expression was one of the cat who had not only got the cream but had commandeered a whole freaking dairy factory. It was expression he knew well and it usually prefaced big trouble.

"Of course I will, you guys deserve a night out after all you've been through. Me and Greg will make an evening of it, watch movies and have a nice chat." The subtle emphasis on chat made Greg's heart give a painful hiccup. He was well and truly up shit creek without a paddle.

* * *

><p>Greg watched his mom from his perch on the couch<p>

"There's pizza in the fridge and you can get a movie off of Box office. Are you sure this is okay?"

Greg barely resisted the urge to throw himself at her and beg her not to go like he had done as a child being dropped off at kindergarten.

"Mom, its fine, go and have fun." She worried her lower lip and then enveloped Greg in a hug. She smelt like flowery perfume and the waffles she had made for lunch and Greg wanted to stay in her embrace forever, to let her protect him from the rest of the world. She released him sniffling slightly and hoisted her handbag more firmly over her shoulder.

She kissed his forehead and went to join her husband in the hallway, where he was talking to Rodrick undoubtedly drilling him on fire safety and how to use the oven. As he watched his parents drive off through the window he felt more like a child than a teenager, a child who needed someone to hug them and say it was alright, even though it really really wasn't.

"You know, I had something lined up for this evening." Greg was only vaguely surprised by Rodrick appearing next to him, he was unobservant and Rodrick was sneaky, he was used to it by now. Unfazed by Greg's lack of response Rodrick put an arm around his shoulders.

"Well I say something, more like someone. She was disappointed and so was I, I mean I haven't seen her in years but we were great pals back in high school, very close." Greg shrugged off Rodrick's arm, turned and walked over to the couch switched on the TV and pretended he couldn't hear his brother.

"In fact I think a reunion might be on the cards, Greggy, though I'm not so sure mom and dad would approve." the monster in Greg's stomach roared in indignation but on the outside Greg was only betrayed by a slight tremor in his left hand. The documentary on TV was interesting; it was about drug smugglers at airports.

"Although after all this time, I'm not sure I can remember what number her house is, but that's okay because you know where it is Greg." The men in uniform on the screen were cuffing some guy after finding coke in his suitcase. Greg thought that if you were going to try to take class a drugs trans-Atlantic you would at least hide them well.

"You know the Hills residence don't you Greg? Heather tells me that you're round all the time, you must really like this Holly girl, I can't say I blame you from what I've seen of her she's quite a looker, in fact I might ditch her sister and go for the younger model inste-"

"JUST SHUT UP! Don't you dare talk about her, you know fucking nothing!" Greg jumped to his feet. He was seeing red; he had never felt so angry in all his life.

"Whoa bro, chill out, I get it you want her for yourself, I won't put the moves on her out of respect for you, but just know if I wanted to, I could." Rodrick's voice was smooth, soft, seductive and Greg was put in mind of another documentary he'd seen about the deadliest predators in the world.

"Don't. Touch. Her." his hands were balled into fists at his sides aching to lash out, he wanted so badly to feel Rodrick's flesh cave under his fingers.

"_The cantil viper tricks its prey into approaching or even attacking it and then the snake can strike and inject its deadly venom on the unsuspecting would be predator."_

"Oh dear, it seems I've hit a nerve. You know, she won't wait forever Greggy and you've kept her waiting for quite some time, we had a nice little chat in the hospital, me and Holly." Greg choked on his own fury, clamping down on the urge to just scream and shout and hurt. His words came out from between gritted teeth.

"What did you say to her? What have you fucking done" Rodrick adopted a mock serious expression and planted his hands on his hips.

"Greg. I'm hurt, how can you accuse me, your dear brother of doing such a thing. Holly and I just had a chat about you coming home; she was so excited, although now that you mention it, she did seem a little out of sorts when I mentioned your other little friend Angie. Oh no you don't think I could have given her the wrong idea about you and Angie do you? Silly me." As Rodrick grinned at him, Greg's anger seemed to dissolve and was instead replaced by crushing desolation. Rodrick had done it; he had taken away the one thing that was good in his life.

"She hasn't spoken to me since, I thought she was- I didn't know why but, but it was you. YOU did this." Rodrick only smirked.

There was a small silence as Greg tried to gather his thoughts, tried to sort out his emotions and put them into little labelled boxes so he could come back to them later and convert them into something manageable like depression and tears. But he couldn't. This time the emotions wouldn't go away and it fucking hurt, it was like an out of tune symphony in his head, loneliness, fury, sadness, despair, confusion and hatred all scrabbling for purchase in the fore front of his mind, all screaming at him to do something, anything.

"So which movie shall we watch? I'm in a generous mood today, you can pick." Greg blinked in confusion as Rodrick handed him the remote and sat down on the couch like nothing had happened. As he stared at his brother the symphony in his head stopped. Just for a moment, a tiny fraction of a second but that sliver of time was one of perfect clarity and when the symphony restarted it was no longer out of tune, but a wonderful pulsing beat flowing through his body and making the blood in veins set on fire. They symphony was playing rage.

"No. You don't get to do this; you don't get to walk back into my life AND SCREW IT UP! I am not a toy for you to play with; I'm your fucking brother!" he was screaming now and it felt wonderful. Rodrick stood up and walked over to him only stopping when they were inches away from each other. When Rodrick spoke it was barely a whisper but Greg heard every word as clearly as if they had been yelled through a megaphone.

"You think I've screwed up your life? No, no Greg, I've screwed up your sideshows, your little distractions. I haven't screwed up your life because I am your life. You end and begin with me, and you fucking know it .I can do whatever I damn well please with you because you are _mine__" _

No, _no, _it wasn't true. He wanted to respond, wanted to tell him he was wrong but his throat seemed to close up and his vision swam until all he could see was golden skin and dark hair and piercing hazel eyes. He was very dimly aware of long tanned fingers carding through his hair and warm breath in his ear but it was all just background noise, completely drowned out by the sound of his heart slamming against his rib cage, like it was trying to rip right out of his chest. He tried to summon some of his earlier rage, but why had he even been so angry, something to do with Rodrick for sure, but wasn't everything to do with Rodrick? No it wasn't it was Holly, Holly, Holly, Holly, Holly.

"No, Holly" The hands in his hair stilled and splayed out across his scalp. Rodrick pulled his face back from where it had been hovering above Greg's ear and stared into his eyes. The playful grin had vanished and had been replaced by an expression that Greg couldn't name. But it was terrifying.

"Wrong fucking answer." The hands on his head curled into his dark strands and pulled, forcing his head backwards. He whimpered in pain and swatted ineffectually at Rodrick with his hands.

"Rodrick,_ Rodrick _let me go" he croaked, his legs were screaming in protest at him standing for so long and his head was burning, inside and out. Rodrick laughed and it was a low, dangerous sound. His brother gave his hair a particularly vicious tug and Greg fell to his knees barely stifling a sob as the bruises all along his legs met the hardwood floor. Rodrick crouched behind him keeping his hands locked into Greg's hair like the strings of a marionette.

"Can't do that Greg, I have to teach you a lesson, you haven't been very nice to me since I returned and I don't like it." As if to illustrate his point he dug his nails painfully into Greg's scalp, sighing with contentment as Greg struggled pathetically.

"That's not fair! You-you left me, not the other way round, please just let go." Rodrick sucked in a breath and moved one hand to Greg's shoulder, the other still pulling at his hair. He could feel Rodrick's breath on his neck and he realised what Rodrick was going to do a second before he did it.

"Rodrick don- SHIT, OW!" Rodrick's sharp incisors sunk in to the skin on his shoulder and Greg struggled harder as an unfamiliar intense pain shot down his arm, Rodrick had bitten a particularly painful bruise and Greg could feel everything, oh god Rodrick had bit him, _he fucking bit him_ and now he sucked on the wound like an animal.

"Aaarg… don't… don't!" he pleaded like the pathetic creature that he was. "It hurts!" he cried, as if all of the things he'd experienced so far weren't more painful and agonizing. Yet, surprisingly, Rodrick did stop, letting go of Greg completely and moving to the other side of the room. Greg tentatively touched the lacerations on his shoulder, head spinning as he realized that the wet stuff on his hand was blood. Rodrick had made him bleed.

The boy in question just stared at Greg, the unreadable expression back in his eyes. Rodrick looked at him once more and then walked from room and several seconds later Greg heard the door slam. Panic rose in his chest as he considered the fact that maybe Rodrick had left him again, this time for good. He scooted back until he was leaning against the wall, not trusting his legs to hold his weight just yet.

_Maybe he was Rodrick's after all._

** that's where the story ends forever.I am giving up on this story, just kidding! but this is going on hiatus, a 40 day hiatus to be precise, yes i am (for some odd reason) giving up non school work related internet for lent!How will i live!But seriously, no more updates for a little for being so awesome and I'll see you in 40 days. Review, review, review!i still have one day left to read them so leave them quickly xxx**


	10. Outside Me, Yours Truly, Dear Diary

Each step he took up the stairs felt like climbing a mountain, his limbs couldn't seem to decide between turning to Jelly or being as heavy as lead. He didn't know whether to laugh or to cry because Rodrick had bitten him, like some sort of wild animal. It was fucked up even by Rodrick's standards and all that stuff about him belonging to Rodrick, had that been a prank? Was this all just an elaborate ploy to fuck with his head? Because if it was, it was working.

For a moment he considered going into Rodrick's room and looking for clues, but then he remembered he wasn't fucking Sherlock Holmes he was just stupid Greg, who had no clue about anything at all. His own room welcomed him in with the familiar scent of warmth and sleep, making him feel a little bit safer. Rodrick never came into his room, not even before he had left, it had been an unspoken agreement that although outside of bedrooms it was war and they would do everything they could to torture one another, bedrooms were a haven and off limits for pranks and snooping, not that Greg had always obeyed that rule. He laid down on his unmade bed and stared up at the ceiling, zeroing in on a particularly interesting stain, which looked suspiciously like tomato ketchup.

He laughed lightly as he remembered how it had gotten there. It had been a typical Saturday afternoon, Rowley had been over and they had been making stupid YouTube videos and eating pizza. Typical, that was until Holly showed up with an arm full of chemistry homework and a hopeful smile; it was in the days before their friendship and the sight of her, standing on his door step twirling her beautiful blonde hair between her pink tipped fingers had turned him into a stuttering mess. So much of a mess that in his hurry to clean the pizza of his desk he had ended up dropping most of it on her. He remembered the moment after that awful moment where she looked down at her ruined blouse and back up at him, he had expected her to scream and shout and never speak to him again, but she had just shot him a devilish grin and smushed the remaining pizza into his shirt with a cry of "food fight!", 5 minutes later the ketchup stain on the ceiling was born. It had been one of the best days of his life.

God, it wasn't fair why didn't he have days like that anymore, why was everything so hard, why did it feel like nothing was enough for him. Why was he so… empty? It should have been so simple; he should have been madly in love with Holly and cared about his brother even if he was a bit of a dick. Simple, easy but not even close to how he felt. He needed to vent, to get it all out, but how who could he possibly talk to. Rowley had the emotional maturity of a six year old, Angie would just tell him only he could sort out his problems and his parents would stop listening and start squealing the minute he mentioned he had feelings for a girl.

An idea struck him and he got up and started to root through his drawers. It had been years but it had to be in here somewhere. His fingers closed around smooth leather and he smiled. His diary, he hadn't seen it in over a year, life had just gotten hectic and suddenly he found that he hated putting his thoughts onto paper, it made him cringe at how selfish he sounded so he had thrown it into his closet on top of all his other crap and forgotten about it, but now things were different, He needed an outlet for his confusion and this was the best option available. He grabbed a biro off the desk and sat cross legged on the floor, waiting for the words to come.

_24__th__ December 2011_

_It's been a long time since I wrote in here, so I don't even know where to start. Angie would probably say something ridiculously infuriating like "the beginning" I mean really, no shit Sherlock! God that __girl is such a space cadet. This is __supposed to be helping me clear my head and organise my thoughts but I just seem to be rambling, cluttering my thoughts even more! Okay so, the beginning, well I suppose what's bothering me is mainly Holly, I used to think I wanted to marry her, she's the __girl of my dreams, okay let's face it she's the girl of everyone's dreams but lately I just can't see us together anymore and now that Rodrick's gotten to her it's unlikely she'll ever want to talk to me ever again._

He paused reading back over what he had written. He ripped the page out and crumpled it into a ball.

_Hello, long time no see, I love a girl called Holly but I can't seem to get my brother out of my head for five fucking seconds to do anything about it. I'm a fucking retard._

He ripped that one out as well. It had been a stupid idea. Sighing he flicked back to the first page eyeing the barely legible writing with disdain, he found it hard to believe that it had only been two years since he had put pen to paper. For want of anything better to do he started to read

"_17th June 2009_

_It's my birthday! I asked for a bike but mom bought me a second journal, I'm not sure how she knew I'd run out of space in the original because I keep it well hidden and she's not allowed to read it! And it still says diar__y on the front, but it's not a diary, it's a journal .__J-O-U-R-N-A-L. So don't expect me to be all dear diary this and dear diary that, because it's STILL not happening. I figured I should keep the writing lark up because when I'm rich and famo__us I won't have time to answer people's questions so I'll just give them my book! But seriously turning 13 has been an eye opener for me, I'll be in 8th grade soon and I still haven't made my mark! If I don't do something awesome soon, I might be too late __and my true potential will never be released and I'll end up a nobody! It's a recognised fact that if you reach 16 and haven't established yourself, you're stuck a loser. FOREVER. So I'm making a list, and I'm going to do everything on my list before it's __too late!_

_Number one: Get a cute girlfriend. She has to be cool too. Not friends with Patty!"_

_Number two: Learn to play an instrument. People who play guitars are cool. I overheard some 9th grade girls talking about how they find musicians irresistible. Er__go I will become a musician._

_Number 3: G__et__ a job. I cannot survive on $15 a month, it's not possible!_

Greg slammed the diary shut and threw it to the other side of the room where it landed, open at a random page. He regretted it almost instantly and got up to retrieve it, feeling stupid for letting his temper get the better of him, as he picked the book up off the floor his brother's name written at the top of the page in angry capital letters caught his eye.

_15__h__ September 2010_

_RODRICK! I swear g__od is punishing me for not praying every day because my brother is pure evil! I came home today and Rodrick was sat at the kitchen table eating fruit loops straight out the box and reading my diary Journal! And then he started dancing round the kitchen re__ading it out loud! I HATE him; he put on this really stupid girly voice. I swear he lives just to torture me. On the plus side guess who my new lab partner is. Holly frickin Hills. Finally a chance to make my move!_

Greg did a quick mental calculation, September 15th 2010 that meant that Rodrick had left 15 days after that argument. He skipped ahead to the entry marked 30th of September 2010.

_30__th__ of September 2010_

_Today was just awful .__I don't even understand what happened, we were all just ea__ting breakfast and then Rodrick came storming into the kitchen dragging his suitcase behind him. That in itself was a shock, Rodrick never gets up before midday and it was like nine. And then he just announced he was going to stay with Aunty Sonja in Flori__da. Before I go any further I have to explain Aunty Sonja, she's not actually our aunt, she's uncle Gary's ex fiancé and she is bat crap crazy. She has all this wild curly blonde hair and she seems to be permanently sun burned, which comes from living in t__he sunshine state I guess. Anyway, I never liked her but she's a musician so naturally Rodrick thought she was so cool. The fact that she lives alone is 45 years old and the instrument she plays is the clarinet just didn't register with him. So yeah comple__tely crazy, non-related but with a massive soft spot for Rodrick. Back to the story, so it turns out that Rodrick has been emailing her and she invited him to stay! Mom went mental of course saying what about school and you're only 17! And Rodrick just giv__es her this really cold stare and says_

"_Exactly, I'm 17 old enough to decide how to live my life. I swear to god if I spend one more minute in this stupid fucking house then I'm going to kill myself. You're all boring and I'm through. I'm going to Florida __and you can't stop me."_

_I still can't believe he said that to her, she looked so upset. Then he just walked out. We all ran after him, begging him not to go, I think we all knew Rodrick wasn't just talking about a holiday. Then he did the weirdest thing, h__e pulled me to one side saying he wanted to say goodbye, which was odd because he could have said goodbye to me in front of mom and dad. And then he said all this stuff about, how he hated me and it was just awful. I don't even know what to do. Mom keeps s__aying he'll come back soon but Rodrick's my brother and I know what he's like. He's made up his mind."_

The pain in his chest intensified as he relived the turmoil of that horrible, horrible day. He couldn't forget those hateful words even if the rest of his family could. He had buried his sadness under his new found friendship with Holly and hanging out with Rowley but now it was catching up to him and it was definitely making up for lost time. His shoulder burned from the bite and his head burned from the hair pulling. But all of that was inconsequential compared to the way his heart burned from the words that Rodrick had uttered.

He flicked through the rest of the diary entries although there were only a few more months' worth, but there was nothing, no mention of Rodrick, just him babbling about how hard his calculus homework was and how in love with Holly he had become. The last entry was January 8th 2011

_January 8__th__ 2011_

_Mom cried a lot today, so did Manny but he was just crying for the hell of it. I didn't cry, there was no point. I didn't speak to him on the phone either, I didn't want to wish him happy birthday. Apparently he's enrolling in school over there and t__hen he'll start college this September. Mom yelled down the phone at Sonja, calling her names I'm pretty sure a Christian shouldn't ever utter. But like he told us himself, he's an adult now. He can do whatever he likes. I don't even care. But I do care, a__ lot. And it hurts._

Greg closed the book with shaking hands and lay back onto the carpet. What had he learnt from reading his diary? Nothing. Not one little thing that he had written had given him the key to unlock Rodrick's complicated and unpredictable mind. He hadn't really expected it to though; he doubted he would ever know just why Rodrick had said the things he had said and did the things that he did.

Greg's shoulder stung with the memory and he was hit with just how horribly wrong it was that his own brother had bitten him in such a way as that. Rodrick had bitten him before, but that had been when they were play fighting, tackling each other for the remote control because Greg wanted to watch Doctor Who and Rodrick was more interested in a film that was playing about some guy in a band. But that had been innocent; it had been on arm and legs.

The position of the bite carried with it a heavy meaning that Greg couldn't begin to make sense of, but he knew there was one from the deep shame that burned him up when he thought about Rodrick's mouth latched onto his shoulder. He got up and walked over to his mirror, staring at his pale reflection before pulling the neck of his t-shirt down to examine the damage. A deep purple bruise was already starting to form under the dried blood around the small but deep indentations in his skin where Rodrick's teeth had sunk into him, like an animal would with its prey. He studied the bite in detail, trying to detach himself from it, pretend it was on someone else's shoulder but he couldn't.

The more he looked at it the more he realised that it didn't look at all like the bite a predator would inflict upon prey but it still seemed vaguely familiar to him. With a rush of blood to his cheeks he remembered where he had seen the bite before, adorning the necks of girls who had stumbled out of closets and bedrooms at Rodrick's party's giggling as they towed their partners behind them. He pulled the t-shirt back up to cover the bite quickly but not before the words _love bite_ had entered his mind. The deep shame now made a little more sense, but he refused to dwell on the completely and utterly stupid and inaccurate connection his brain had made between his bite and a vicious hickey, blaming such a ridiculous notion on fatigue and muscle strain.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he snatched it up quickly, wanting and at the same time not wanting to see Rodrick's name appear on the screen. He was not disappointed, or that was what he told himself when instead it was his mother's number, he pressed the little green button, put the phone on speaker and lay back down on his bed. Even holding the phone up to his ear felt like it would take gargantuan effort at this point.

"Hi mom." Greg could hear loud 80s pop and the sounds of raucous laughter in the background and he guessed that everyone was pretty smashed.

"Greg honey are you alright?"

"Yeah mom, me and Rodrick are having lots of fun" he lied through his teeth.

"Oh good, listen me and your dad are probably going to be back at about 11, so don't wait up for us!" Greg's mother was cut off by her own drunken giggles and he heard her stage whispering to some unknown person to stop making her laugh because Greggy-Weggy was on the phone.

"Mom, I'll see you then, bye." He ended the call rather abruptly, his mother's squeaky voice a little too much to handle at that moment in time. He checked the time, 9:00 pm; he still had two hours left to kill, two hours in which he could be killed by his insane brother. It wasn't like he could go to a friend's house, it was Christmas Eve, and everyone would be with family having a lovely time.

It was only a short while later, 20 minutes to be exact when Greg heard the front door slam. His heats seemed to stop beating in his chest filling him with terror and nervous anticipation of what was going to happen. Was Rodrick going to hit him, kick him, call him a faggot and leave like he had done previously, Greg seriously doubted it, ever since Rodrick had returned from Florida he had become much more sophisticated in his methods, fucking with his head rather than bruising him. Heavy uncoordinated footsteps up the stairs told him that Rodrick had made use of the time he had been out of the house by getting either high or drunk, with Rodrick it was hard to tell, his lack of coordination was usually the only thing that gave him away. Even under the influence Rodrick was sharp as a knife.

Three loud knocks on his door were the only warning he got before it swung open revealing a rather wild looking Rodrick. Greg scrambled to the window wanting to put a big solid object like his bed between him and Rodrick; he didn't care if he looked cowardly. Rodrick's hair was dark with melted snow, the sunny highlights gone, and his eyes were wide and angry, all dark pupils rimmed with a miniscule section of hazel iris. His eye liner was smudged making him look like he had had a thousand sleepless nights and in his hand was a cigarette that looked to Greg like it contained anything but tobacco. Yes Rodrick was high and angry, a terrifying combination. Rodrick dropped the roll up to the floor and ground it beneath the sole of his vans. Greg shrunk back even further into the window sill not liking the way Rodrick was looking at him and especially not liking the way his brother's smirk grew tenfold as his eyes came to rest on Greg's shoulder.

"I did quite a number on you there didn't I? You should probably put a plaster over that, if mom sees…" Rodrick trailed off looking at Greg expectantly. Greg tried to look everywhere but Rodrick and as he finally settled on staring at his desk something caught his eye, something lying on the floor dangerously close to Rodrick's feet, something embossed with the word diary in golden lettering. Greg's heart lurched, if Rodrick decided to look around him he would surely see it and that could only lead to disaster. He needed his brother out or at the very least distracted.

"So what if she does see. Maybe I should tell her, and then she'd have to kick you out." Rodrick took a step closer and Greg breathed a sigh of relief, a step closer to him was a step away from the diary.

"You wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare get me into trouble; you know what I'd do to you." Greg gulped, oh he knew alright, but the thing written in that diary were enough to ruin him and he would take a physical beating over a social one any day. He steadied himself and took a step forward until all that was between them was the bed.

"Rodrick, what did you, before, when we were downstairs, that thing you said. Why?" Greg was startled by how sad his voice sounded, how defeated and broken down his usually raucous tones were.

Rodrick gave him a long hard look and Greg fought the urge to squirm away from the scrutiny, instead he settled for staring at a patch of skin on Rodrick's forehead. Then, without warning Rodrick turned to leave and the words were out of his mouth before he had even thought about saying them.

"Rodrick, please." Rodrick hovered by the door, running his tongue over his teeth, his brows furrowed as if he didn't know what the real answer was. Then;

"Because it's the truth."


	11. Ainissesthai

**Short chapter in which not much happens, but we delve a little deeper into the enigma of Rodrick. As always, I hope you enjoy this chapter, it was my 18****th**** on Monday so review as a late**** birthday present to me****, I really want to reach 100 reviews and I know I have enough of you reading to achieve that by this chapter alone, I take time out of my day to write it so pleasepleaseplease take the time to review it****! Oh and as always my beta is wonderful and talented and ridiculously eagle eyed, she is also a very nice human being so yeah, Leila blue, check her out because she's awesome.**

Rodrick Heffley was and always had been a thinker. Many people were under the impression that his head was full of eye liner and drum beats and yes, to a certain degree it was, but it was also full of conundrums and questions, plans and plots. That was half the reason why he frequented the realms of inebriation so often, it softened the edges of his mind, blurred the sharp questions into each other until his usually fierce train of thoughts was a soft stream of consciousness running through his mind.

He liked losing his inhibitions because his inhibitions were a lot louder than most. It was this complex mind that made him sadistic and cruel, it allowed him to detach himself from his humanity, to torture and tease because he enjoyed seeing how normal people reacted. Greg had always been his favourite test specimen, with his strong sense of right and wrong and his almost comically black and white view of the world around him he was the complete opposite of Rodrick.

He was simple and kind, prone to childish fits of narcissism and crippling embarrassment, whereas Rodrick was complicated and cruel, addicted to playing games with the people around him and with an unhealthy fascination with pain. Rodrick liked playing the drums; he liked how the single solidarity of the beat pulsed through his veins until it exploded into his head making his skull vibrate. Greg liked writing, he liked pouring himself out into something, he liked leaving a trail, and mapping out his life like it was an unchartered sea.

It was the stark contrast between the two of them that had captured his attention, made him unhealthily fascinated with his younger brother. He had become so fascinated that he, on many occasions, had had a malicious urge to split open Greg's head just to see what was inside, to compare it with the labyrinth of dark tunnels that made up his mind. No one else held his attention like Greg did, the minute he showed an interest in people, they lost their spark in their hurry to fall at his feet.

But Greg, Greg resented him, hated him and to Rodrick Heffley, that made his little brother brilliant. But lately Greg had been disobeying the rules, rebelling against him, making it near impossible for Rodrick to manipulate him. He sat on the edge of his bed, fingers steeped and eyes closed, trying to work out how he had lost control so hard and so fast. Something inside him had just snapped, when Greg got all defensive over Holly, pouting and screaming at Rodrick for being just so darn mean, well Rodrick's control which had been strenuous at best over the previous weeks had broken, making all his careful plans crumble into dust as he spat venomous words of possession at his sibling.

And that confession at the door, he had no idea why he had said that, when he had turned back to Greg words of scorn and derisive lies about it all being one big head fuck had been perched on the tip of his tongue but seeing Greg like that, his head bowed, eyes swimming with unshed tears, the truth had spilled forth from his lips without any form of conscious thought whatsoever, and it had been scary.

He prided himself on his immaculate self-control, nothing fazed him and nothing deterred him and when it did he disposed of it and when he found himself unable to dispose of it he distanced himself from it. A set of rules much harder to put into practice when said deferral was his kid brother. He had already run away from Greg once, to do it again would be admitting defeat and quite possibly losing the only person who made him feel vaguely challenged.

No, he would not run and he would not dispose of his brother either, he would simply destroy him. Break him down until he belonged to Rodrick. Because that was what he really wanted, he wanted to possess Greg, he wanted to be the only thing in Greg's life because it simply wasn't fair that Greg was the only thing in his, he wanted -_needed _the feeling to be mutual and if he had to beat the younger down along the way to achieve that then so be it.

He stood up and picked his way through the layers of debris on the floor to where his iPod lay on top of the shirt he had been wearing yesterday or the day before yesterday or both. The buzz from earlier was wearing off, and Rodrick wished he'd gone for narcotics rather than a hastily rolled blunt. Pills were always much better for switching off and the high lasted longer. He stuffed the buds in his ear canal and lay down on his side on a clean patch of his floor; his temple pressed against the cool floorboards in an attempt to ease the comedown headache that he knew was fast approaching. He closed his eyes as the heavy guitar riffs started up.

_Pay no mind what other voices say_

_They don't care about you, like I do, like I do_

_Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils_

_See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do._

Rodrick Heffley fell asleep with music blaring, a smile on his face and a plan forming itself in his head.

**The song in case any of you were wondering is pet by perfect circle, the lyrics are just so Rodrick. I have a playlist of songs I listen to when I'm writing this fic, ones that set the mood and inspire me, tell me in the reviews if you want me to post it in the next chapter, I know that when I read I have to listen to music and I love stories that already have with music to them. Next chapter is the longest yet and is set on Christmas day and there will be head fuckery, sexual tension and turkey, so yeah you have been warned.**


	12. The Best Dressed Lie

**Hello, it's me. I'm back with another angsty chapter of my little story. And bitches I mean angsty, I watched this film called the suicide room, which is about this gay guy and it made me so depressed that I didn't want to get out of bed so instead I poured my movie induced misery into another chapter. But seriously, I recommend you watch it, not only is it beautiful and powerful but it has the hottest (and I'm talking super-hot) gay kiss in it and the two boys in it reminded me of Greg and Rodrick. It is in polish but you can get it with English subtitles and in a way the fact it's not in English makes it even better because it's more moving. Watch it and inbox me so we can cry together. Also i know have a tumblr where i will post review responses and deleted scenes : phrasespourlejeunes dot tumblr dot com. On with the show…**

Sometimes Greg honestly wondered if he had done something terrible in a past life, if he was a murderer reincarnated into a lanky high schooler's body, because that was the only explanation for the unbelievable bad luck that had befallen him recently. He was 15 years old and it was Christmas morning, he should have been feeling grudging excitement and reluctant enthusiasm for the day's festivities but instead he was wondering which sweater would hide his bite best and how he was going to mend the rift that had been created between him and the girl he loved. He didn't care for presents and turkey, he just wanted to curl up into a ball and die because death seemed like the only way of getting any sort of peace. Even when he was asleep he had visions of hospital beds, speeding trucks and malevolent hazel eyes.

Greg sent one last plea for it all to be a bad dream to a god that he wasn't even sure he believed in anymore and forced himself from the warmth of his bed. He dressed in a ridiculous green sweater that he had been bought by his grandmother. It itched and made him look like an oversized elf, but there was no way anyone would see his mark in this.

He felt a pulse of anger at himself as he realized he was going to all this trouble to protect Rodrick, Rodrick who did everything he could to ruin his life, Rodrick who deserved to be thrown out on his ass for all the shit he pulled, Rodrick who endlessly confused him, Rodrick who knew him like no one else. Rodrick Rodrick Rodrick that was all he could think about these days, his brother was like a poison, spreading throughout his system, slowly making him shut down. Grimacing at the feeling of scratchy wool against his arms and neck he made his way downstairs. The minute he stepped into the kitchen a small blur of ginger knocked into his knees sending him staggering back into the counter.

"Bubby, Bubby, its Christmas!" Despite everything Greg felt a smile tugging at the corner of his lips and he picked his younger brother up and settled him on his hip.

"Where are Mommy and Daddy manny?" Manny squealed with excitement at the mention of his parents and hit Greg's chest with little chubby fists.

"Momma went to go and get the presents from where Santa hid them." Greg switched his grip on Manny, he found it hard to remember that his brother wasn't a baby anymore, he was 5 years old and damn, he was heavy. As if his thoughts had appeared in a bubble over his head, the weight of Manny was lifted from his arms, squealing and giggling. Greg froze as he caught the scent of after shave and shampoo and something else that was distinctly Rodrick.

"Hey little brothers, plural. Happy Christmas." Greg was about to bite back with a sarcastic comment when he realized that Rodrick had entered with their parents who were watching them expectantly. Greg sighed, this was the part he hated the most, the way his entire life now seemed to be a performance, he couldn't say or feel what he wanted, he just had to make everyone else happy.

"Happy Christmas everyone."

After an unbelievably tense breakfast during which he watched Rodrick consume an inhuman amount of waffles, there was a merciful knock on the door and Greg jumped up as fast as his injuries would allow him, with a shout of "I'll get it" and was out of the kitchen before anyone could object. He rested against a wall for a few seconds, trying to collect himself and opened the door. A feeling of cold swept over him as he took in the four people on the doorstep. They were stood as far away from each other as they could manage, a look of disdain on each one of their faces. The two men looked very alike, both with brown hair and the same sharp nose, one of them had a small child clutching onto his hand. The woman however looked like she could have been another species; she had bright tanned skin and a mass of curly yellow hair that was springing out from its confines underneath a Santa hat and she was wearing sandals. To Greg's utter horror he noted that each one was holding an overnight bag.

"Sonja, Joe, Gary? I didn't know you were coming?" Greg placed his body firmly in the doorway, unwilling to let them in and begin the inevitable madness. Gary opened his mouth but was cut across by Sonja.

"Greg, dah-ling, your dear brother invited me down here for Christmas, he said it was all arranged with your mother, what I wasn't told is that I'd be in such poor company." She cast a sidelong glance at her ex fiancé and tried to push past the wall Greg had made with his arms. She clicked her tongue in frustration when he didn't budge butGreg had already turned his attention to his two uncles.

"I thought you two were spending Christmas with grandpa at the retirement home?" Gary scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"We, err, well we were supposed to but grandpa seems to have found a nice lady friend called Margery to spend Christmas with, he cancelled at the last minute and I decided to pay you guys a visit instead but then, err, so did Joe. So now we're both here." Greg shifted reluctantly so the three could enter.

"Right, well, you better come in then."

At least, Greg reasoned as he lead Sonja , his uncles and Benjy into the kitchen, this would most definitely distract his parents from the fact that he couldn't even look at his brother right now; there would be too much chaos for anyone to notice his moping. Even so, Greg still felt immeasurably guilty for taking anything good from this situation as he watched his mother's beaming smile fall right off her face as she took in the new guests.

Greg chanced a look at Rodrick, reclining in his chair twirling his fork between his fingers. At a glance his face was completely blank but his eyes were shining with the joy of having a plan come together even better than you ever thought it would.

"Greg, Rodrick, take Manny and Benjy into the sitting room, please, the grownups need to talk." His mother said tersely from behind gritted teeth. A flash of anger at not being able to witness his carefully orchestrated spectacle flashed across Rodrick's poker face but it was gone as quickly as it arrived and Rodrick scooped up Manny and exited the room. Greg pried a reluctant Benjy from his father and quickly followed after Rodrick, feeling confident that his brother wouldn't try anything with two children in the room.

Still, he sat as far away from his brother as he could, distracting himself from the elephant in the room by playing some childish game with his little cousin. Every so often he would glance up at Rodrick and he would feel an unexplainable pang of sadness as he watched Rodrick half-heartedly talking to their little brother, his mind undoubtedly elsewhere, plotting something diabolical. When he had been younger, he had used to compare him and Rodrick to Spiderman and Doctor Octopus or Batman and Lex Luther, Rodrick had always been his arch nemesis, but these days it seemed less like a ridiculous statement made by an enraged 10 year old and more like the truth, with every day that passed the animosity between them grew and for the life of him he just couldn't figure out why. It was so god damn frustrating.

"Why did you invite Sonja to stay?" Rodrick's head snapped up in surprise.

"Who says I did." Rodrick replied as casually as if they were discussing the weather.

"She did. Idiot."

"Fair enough. Well, she's become a big part of my life and I miss her." Greg snorted, surely his brother could do better than that.

"You are such a _liar_, why did you do it, why would you hurt mom like that?" Rodrick's eye brows shot up, surprised at Greg's boldness.

"Manny, why don't you and Benjy watch some cartoons, me and Greg are just going to have a quick chat." Greg felt a little bit sick, Rodrick's chats never ended well for him, but he didn't really have a choice in the matter as Rodrick unfolded himself from the couch and stalked towards Greg wrapping his fingers round his wrist and pulling him over to the window seat before pulling him down next to him.

"Unlike you Greg, I don't trip over myself to make sure mommy's happy. Don't even bother denying it Greg, I've seen you, all you do is lie to make them happy." Greg wanted to yell in frustration, he wouldn't have to lie to them if Rodrick would stop making him so miserable.

"This isn't about me. You know what you did to her when you left; it broke her heart, Rodrick, and now, you're just bringing all that back up."

"Oh woe is me. Well you ever think about it this way Greggy that I left because she was making me miserable? That maybe I'm the victim here?" The unnameable expression from last night was back in Rodrick's eyes.

"What are you talking about, the way I remember it, you flounced off to Florida and left us all behind. You made us all miserable, we missed you like nothing else and you even have the audacity to suggest mom was to blame. That's low, even for you."

"So you missed me then." Greg's heart skipped a beat; he hadn't said that had he?

"Yeah I really missed having a brother who makes my life a misery and bites great chunks out of my neck. D-dream on." Rodrick smirked as Greg stuttered over his words.

"You always were a terrible sort of liar. You missed me. You missed me, you just said so yourself." Greg couldn't even deny it.

"Well you wanna know something, Greg. I didn't miss you, every day that I woke up in a house without you there was like a breath of fresh air. You make me feel sick with how pathetic and wimpy you are and you should have seen your face last night, I was fucking with you Greg, you're not mine, why would I want any sort of possession over someone as revoltingly ordinary as you. You're a disappointment to me, I always thought any brother of mine would be cool, but I guess I was wrong." In that moment, Greg realized that pain was a double edged sword. There was normal pain, the pain he had experienced after his accident, the pain he felt in his shoulder because of the bite, nerves responding to dangerous stimuli and then there was _this._ His throat constricted painfully and he felt almost dizzy, but then a piercing sort of pain hit his heart making him almost gasp, surpassing anything else he had ever felt.

"How could you," Greg began, and then took a breath, desperately trying to retain control over his emotions. "Why would you do that?"

"Oh c'mon Greg, surely you see the funny side and besides I told you long ago that while I would unfortunately always have to be your brother, I was never going to be your friend. Jesus, quit bitching, this isn't a fucking hotline, you a girl or something?" Greg couldn't quite believe his ears as Rodrick metaphorically ripped his heart from his chest and stomped on it. He barely heard the latter half of Rodrick's admonitions. The only thought ringing through is mind over over and over was that considering he didn't even like Rodrick that much, this was so _fucking painful._

"Don't get upset about it sport, maybe there's still time for Manny to become the sort of brother I wanted. Unless you get your nerdy ass claws into him before I can teach him everything I know. Oh Greg don't cry, I know rejection hurts even if it is by your brother, you confess about how much you miss me and I shoot you down flat. Ouch." Greg opened his mouth to say something, anything but instead took a great gasping breath, trying to get some air into his lungs, trying to dispel the terrible feeling of drowning that had overcome him. Rodrick stood and ruffled his hair, smiling down at him with perverse smugness.

"I think the grownups are done now Greg and if you don't mind, I'd like to watch everything come apart with my own eyes, I take it you'll follow me in." Greg glanced over at Manny and Benjy and seeing that they were absorbed in their cartoons, he buried his head in his hands and let some of the tears that had been building come out. He wiped his eyes furiously on the back of his sleeve before plastering a big fake smile on his face and entering the kitchen. If he hadn't been so downright distraught in that very moment he might have laughed, everyone in the room aside from Rodrick was forcing a smile not unlike his own and trying to put on a united front.

"Ah Greg, you're here. Well as you can see we've had a few surprise guests, but we think we've sorted it out. Manny will sleep in our room and Gary, Benjy and Joe can have his. You and Rodrick can share his room and she," his mom pointed angrily at Sonja "can sleep in your room, away from everyone else." Greg couldn't help it, maybe it was shock or grief or just exhaustion but he burst into laughter, everyone turned to him, slightly alarmed.

"Greg? What's so funny?" Greg just laughed harder at this, how could he possibly explain to his mother that he was laughing because the hand the fates had dealt him was so unfathomably shitty it was comical. Rodrick's eyes were furrowed in rarely seen confusion and Greg felt like his sides would split from hysteria and the gut wrenching pain he felt remembering the conversation he had had minutes earlier. His mother slapped her hand on the counter.

"Greg, calm down at once." Greg felt another bubble of hysteria struggle to escape and he squashed it down without much success.

"Susan, you should never talk to a child that way. I think that's the problem in this house, not enough laughter, your son's joy is something we should all welcome with open arms." Sonja commented probably quoting directly from some hippie book about inner healing, Greg thought to himself. Before his enraged wife could respond, Frank announced that it was present time.

Greg glanced at his watch for the 50th time that day, he had decided that he could get away with going up to bed at 8 without arousing suspicion and then he'd hopefully be asleep by the time Rodrick came up. It was only 6 pm and the façade of happiness was already crumbling , he just wanted some alone time so he could cry and scream and hit things and if he couldn't have that he would settle from being away from the prying eyes of his family.

He felt torn between physical sickness and pure rage every time he looked at Rodrick, his brother was at this particular moment sitting with Sonja practically in his lap, whispering in her ear and Greg thought bitterly that he wouldn't put it past Rodrick to have fucked his uncles ex fiancé. And his mother's face watching them, she looked so heartbroken, but Greg knew better than to say that Rodrick wasn't worth it, in her eyes Sonja had dug her claws in and wouldn't let go, Rodrick was innocent in all this. Rodrick hadn't just poisoned him; he had injected his venom into everyone. He was killing them all in different ways. He saw it all clearly now.

He felt the sofa dip as his mom sat down beside him and gave him a watery smile. He rested his head on her shoulder and she wrapped him in her arms, stroking his hair and he let her. He knew that tomorrow she'd question him relentlessly over what was wrong, but right now he was just glad she knew that he needed her. He sat in her embrace for a long time, alternating between watching the Grinch on TV and watching his dad and uncles playing with his cousin and brother. If he squinted he could almost pretend this was just a nice normal family Christmas. His mother kissed the top his head and then stood up.

"Greg, you look exhausted, hon, why don't you head up to bed?" Greg nodded then said his goodnights, purposely missing out Sonja and Rodrick. He ran up the stairs and grabbed a t-shirt from his room before heading towards the attic. He remembered the last time he had been up here with vivid clarity and shook his head at the memory.

He glanced at the double bed and groaned, he really didn't want to be sharing with Rodrick tonight, but it wasn't like he had much of a choice in the matter. He kicked off his jeans and wrenched the horrible jumper over his head with so much gusto that his shoulders gave a painful twinge. He pulled the t-shirt on and quickly darted under Rodrick's covers, shivering violently. He burrowed down into the sheets, trying to get warm. The frigid December air seemed far more prominent up here and Greg could see the goosebumps forming on his arms.

Mustering all his determination he kicked off the covers and went over to Rodrick's closet, there was no way he was going to get a sweater from his own room, his brother would just have to suck it up. He opened the door and was confronted by a sea of black and navy, dotted with the occasional band logo and one or two white shirts. He pulled out the nearest black pullover to him and threw it on, trying to ignore how good it smelt. He shoved his hands into the pockets only to pull them back out again when he felt paper crackling under his fingers. It looked as if it had been reopened on folded a thousand times and when Greg opened it out the text was a messy mixture of computer type and blue biro. At first he assumed it was an old school essay, but then he realized that Rodrick never put enough into his school work to want to cross bits out and edit it to perfection, there was only one thing Rodrick actually took any pride in and that was his music. Greg's eyes widened as he realized that he was holding in his hands one of Rodrick's songs and by the looks of it, this song was deep. The girl that Rodrick wrote this about must have been something amazing.

_*__Dear rabbit my legs are getting weak chasing you, the snow fields wouldn't seem so big if you knew_

He had never seen Rodrick care about any girl past getting between her legs but he had chased this one down, tried to possess her.

_That this blood on my teeth it is far beyond dry, and I've captured you once but it wasn't quite right_

He had had her before, a casual fling maybe, and he had had others since.

_So I'm telling you that you'll be safe with me._

Safe and Rodrick that just didn't fit, his brother was a natural born danger to everyone around him.

_And r__abbit my claws are dull now so don't be afraid, I could keep you war__m as long as you can just try to be brave_

He wanted to be there for her, but it wouldn't come easily, she would be scared of him of what he could do.

_Yes I know I'm a wolf and I've been known to bite, but the rest of my pack I have left them behind_

He could see it in his mind's eye now, he used her, ripped her up and then realized he loved her, but by then she knew what he was and he was trying to change for her.

_And my teeth may be sharp and I've been raised to kill, but the thought of fresh meat __it is making me i__ll__._

He had always been that way, chewing people up but now he had her he didn't want anyone else, didn't need them. She must have been something so special.

_So rabbit__ please stop looking the other way, it's cold out there so why not stay here under my tail._

But this girl would never come to Rodrick, because she knew that he would hurt her that at the end of the day a wolf could never change his ways, even if he did love her.

But who was she, this mysterious girl who had done the impossible and captured the heart of something heartless, he had a picture in his head of someone small and frail, pure in a way that Rodrick could never be, maybe that was why he wanted her, because she was his opposite, the wolf and the rabbit. The hunter fallen in love with its prey. He compared it to his candle in the wind romance with Holly, the way that it seemed so shallow and superficial when you put it next to the love Rodrick had for this girl.

Maybe that's why he and Holly just didn't work, because it was _too _simple. Because he liked her hair and her smile and her sense of humour, not because they shared a passionate binding connection. But why wasn't it enough to love things about a person, why did every love have to be like an arrow to the heart, why couldn't it be as simple as boy meets girl, boy and girl become a couple, boy and girl get married, boy and girl have sex and babies, boy goes to work, girl stays at home, boy and girl live in the suburbs with a cat until the day they die. Why wasn't normal good enough for him anymore? it was good enough for Holly, he was as normal as they came and she still loved him.

If he played his cards right he could end up in 20 years with a job and a mortgage, holding their daughter, named Susie of course and watching his son, something sensible like William playing football in the garden while Holly, barely touched by the years still blonde and beautiful made his dinner, the only skeleton in his closet a brother who they pretended didn't exist. He could have all that and he was pushing it away.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Greg jumped about a mile and looked about wildly until he locked eyes with a pissed looking Rodrick, standing in the door.

"I was just, erm." He searched hopelessly for an excuse but his head was empty

"Fuck, why were you in my closet, why are you wearing my clothes, what's that in your hand?" Rodrick didn't wait for Greg to answer; he tore the paper from Greg's hand and scanned it, his face ashen as he realized what Greg had stumbled upon. He stuffed the paper into his jean pocket and they glared at each other for a few long silent moments.

"Who was she?" Rodrick blinked.

"Who?"

"The girl in the song, you know the rabbit."

Rodrick didn't respond, not for what felt like a long while until he finally sat down on the edge of the bed and gestured for Greg to sit next to him.

"Don't think this means I didn't mean what I said earlier because I did, I meant every god damn word, but I don't want you mouthing off and getting the wrong idea." Greg nodded once, staring at his knees trying to fight off the pangs of Rodrick's rejection that threatened to engulf him once again.

"The girl this song is about, Greg, is the person I hate most in the world, hell, I hate her more than I hate you and you know why? Because she made me, _makes me, _want to protect her, own her and that's not cool. I'm not nice, Greg, I don't stick around for the morning after and she made me want to be there each and every morning.

Don't go thinking we're the same because of your stupid relationship with that Hills chick, we're not, I wanted to lock her away, keep her for myself, but she wouldn't let me. She said no, Greg, and no one says no to this." He gestured to his body cocking an eyebrow as if to say _obviously_.

"She was perfect, so fucking naïve, corruptible and innocent. Like a china doll or something, to be looked at and never touched and that drove me crazy, I couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't have her when I'd had her down as mine for a long time." The older brother had a far off look in his eyes and Greg felt an overwhelming urge to find this girl and warn her, save her from Rodrick's terrible wrath. Rodrick was impossibly cruel to things he didn't like, but he was even worse to the things he loved, his idea of protection meant being the only thing to be allowed to hurt them.

Then suddenly, a thought came unbidden into his mind and he realised that this girl was the missing puzzle piece.

"Wait; wait, was that- was that why you left? Oh my god, she's why you left!" A veil fell over Rodrick's face and the faraway look in his eyes was gone, replaced by cold indifference. Rodrick stood and stared down at Greg fixing him with his trademark sneer.

"I don't know what you're talking about Greg, why don't you stop trying to play with the big boys and go to bed, I'm going back downstairs, stick to your half of the bed, if you kick me in your sleep you'll lose a tooth." And with that Rodrick turned on his heel and exited the room taking the attic stairs two at a time until he vanished from sight with a loud slam of the door.

But Greg knew and Rodrick knew that Greg knew. The ball might just be in his court for once, so why couldn't he feel happy about it?

**Dundunduuuun!**

**So longest chapter yet, whoop de do. Did you like it, leave me a review and tell me why, feed my ego, it's hungry atm. The song is you know I'm a wolf by the young heretics and it is ah-mahzing. Listen to it, cry for a while and thank me later. Sorry, I'm being a little crazy with my authors note, I've had 8 cans of Pepsi in a day and I'm high as a kite. I almost forgot to mention Leila- blue my beta reader, but not quite so here is her mention. I love you all so much – no homo, well maybe some homo. Lots of homo actually, bear my children?**

**I need to go to bed…**


	13. Forgive Me

I know, i know it's been over two months but i've been busy! Think of this chapter as an apology, an apology that has neither sex nor Rodrick in it. Oh dear. I hope you enjoy anyway, this chapter ties up a few loose ends and prefaces all the gregrick that i have planned for you guys. As always any reviews fill me with joy and rainbows.

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><p>The next few days were, for Greg, surprisingly uneventful and he supposed this had a little something to do with the fact that neither he nor Rodrick were leaving their respective bedrooms. Once his relatives had departed on Boxing Day Greg had dropped his forced smile, grabbed a six pack of soda from the refrigerator and holed himself up in his bedroom. He and Rodrick had bumped into each other in the hallway a few times, but it seemed to Greg like Rodrick was just as keen to put some space between them as he was, although he knew it was for very different reasons. Greg just couldn't stand looking into the face of someone he had once idolised and seeing only hatred. Rodrick couldn't stand him, period. Or at least that was what he assumed, but when it came to Rodrick who knew?<p>

Greg could see his parents becoming more and more anxious with each day that passed but it wasn't until the 29th of December that he realised the effect his reclusiveness was having on them. He had been playing the invalid act to its maximum potential, insisting on eating meals in his bedroom, but that evening when his mother came to bring him food he probably wasn't going to eat, instead of setting it down on his desk and of going back downstairs as she usually did she sat down on the end of his bed and crossed her arms.

"Greg. This behaviour, I don't know why you're being like this but it's got to stop. Talk to me, me and your dad we both want to help you but we need you talk to us, tell us what's wrong." She looked at him, the patented Susan Heffley stare, the one that had made him spill his guts within seconds when he was a kid. It occurred to him that maybe if he opened up and talked to her, told her what was going on she could talk to Rodrick and make it all better. But he just couldn't.

"Mom, I can't spend every minute of every day with you and dad, I'm 16 I want to be alone. That's all it is, really, I'm _fine_." Susan Heffley raised her eyebrows in obvious disbelief, but she didn't voice whatever it was she was thinking and Greg was grateful for that. She just huffed a sigh and left the room in a flurry of irritation at not being able to get him to crack as she usually did.

The next morning he found out just how much he had under estimated his mother. He had woken up early and decided there was very little point in going back to sleep. His dream hadn't even been that bad compared with some of the things that came to him while he was sleeping but something about it had gotten under his skin. He had been running, only every step he took he became more tired until he couldn't move at all. He had woken up before he saw what he was running from. He wasn't sure he wanted to know anyway.

He showered with the water so hot it was almost scalding and dressed quickly afterwards, shivering as he pulled on a long sleeve button up and a sweater. He dragged a brush through his hair wincing when it snagged on a particularly stubborn knot. It was still only 7 in the morning and the house was completely silent and dark, comforting Greg as he padded down the stairs in search of some cheerio's.

He was playing with the soggy remnants at the bottom of the bowl when his mother sat down on the other side of the table. A hand reached for his own.

"Rowley rang yesterday" she paused and said slowly in pained voice:

"He wanted to know how you were doing since you haven't been returning any of his phone calls." Greg sat silent and motionless. Sadness seemed to stretch out a vast hand settling over him, casting him in shadow.

"What I want to know is why you haven't been answering any of his phone calls. Why you haven't been leaving your room, why you aren't talking to your friends?"

"I just got a little wrapped up in myself I guess, I'll go call Rowley right now if you want me to" Susan Heffley narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, you'll do one better than that" said his mom "while I was speaking to _your_ best friend he told me about a New Year's Eve party at Holly's that he's been trying to invite you to for days. You're going to accept his offer."

"Fine. It sounds like fun." Greg lied, looking at his mother and trying to radiate normal.

She snorted, obviously not believing a word of it.

"I'm going to ring him right now."

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><p>"Greg? Where've you been? You haven't returned any of my texts or calls. I even emailed, and that's for old people!" Greg smiled despite himself; at least something's never changed.<p>

"Rowley I'm not your boyfriend, calm down. I just wanted to rest up; don't take it personally. Besides I'm back now."

"Oh well that's good we were all getting worried, Angie wanted us to throw rocks at your window but Holly said it would be a bad idea."

"Yeah, just a bit"

"Anyway, when I spoke to your mom she said you were allowed to come to the New Year's Eve party, so are you coming, it's going to be awesome. Everyone's invited!"

Greg winced at the emphasis on the word everyone.

"Yeah I'll be there."

By the time the two of them said their goodbye's Greg had worked himself into a state of near hysteria and was severely regretting letting his mother bait him in to going to this stupid party. He knew how it would go anyway, the only fun house party he'd ever been to was his and Rodrick's and even that had ended in disaster.

The next evening at 9 o'clock he found himself standing outside Holly's house and for the first time ever not knowing whether he should go in or not. There was muffled music coming from inside the house and the silhouettes of people dancing were visible through the drawn curtains. The pretty blue icicles were still up but they seemed less enchanting surrounded by the air of drunken rebellion. A hard shove to the small of his back sent him stumbling forward. He spun round, expecting to see one of the morons from the grade above but was instead faced with Angie.

"Greg! You asshole why didn't you call any of us!" but her smile betrayed her angry words and she pulled him into a bone cracking hug.

"Whoa Ang, bipolar much? I'm glad you missed me but chill." She shoved him again, rolling her eyes good naturedly.

"Shut it Heffley, you might be a cripple but I'll still punch you if I have to"

"I don't doubt it. You look nice by the way" and she did, hair pinned up and the usual jeans and shirts swapped for a dress. She smiled lightly.

"I look like a girl, it's awful. This dress isn't even mine, Holly insisted I wear it. Anyway, why the hell are we even stood out here, it's freezing. Inside, now." he swallowed, good mood vanishing with the prospect of having to see Holly, but he let Angie pull him into the warmth of the house anyway. Inside it was already packed with people, talking, dancing, but mainly, from the smell of beer, drinking. The music was deafening, some electro pop thing that made his skull vibrate. He pushed through the crowd of people to the kitchen. Every countertop was filled with bottles and plates of food. He grabbed two beers and passed one to Angie.

"Greg you rebel, what would Susan say?"

"Oh blow me Ang, this is going to be a long night, the less sober I am, the better." He took a long swig from the bottle and grimaced at the taste, why the hell did people drink this stuff when it was so disgusting? Angie just smirked at him.

"Yeah okay hotshot, I'm going to go mingle. I hear the guys from the football team are here and although they are all shallow vacuous douche bags, they're hot and drunk and that's a combination I can work with!"

Greg chuckled to himself as he settled into a spare seat at the breakfast bar, thinking about how much he'd missed this, missed bantering with his friends and being looked at as anything other than a pest. Yeah, sure, he was sat on his own in the kitchen at a party but he didn't particularly care about talking to any of these random people, he just needed his friends and he'd be fine. He quite liked it actually, observing what was going on around him, laughing at people's antics. It was a couple of moments later when he felt a soft tap on his shoulder.

"Hey Greg is this seat taken?" he tensed up at the soft obviously female voice. He turned round slowly, relief flooding him when he realised it wasn't Holly at all, just some random girl from his English class.

"Nope, I'm flying solo." The girl giggled. Greg tried to bring her name to mind but he couldn't quite get there. Tina, Tanya, Taylor?

"I'm Trista Evans, by the way, you probably don't know who I am but we have English class together." Ah Trista that was it.

"Oh yeah, sorry. I forget my own name sometimes, so don't be offended." She giggled again, shifting her chair closer to his. She smelt nice, like strawberries. Holly smelt like strawberries sometimes, maybe it was a girl thing. Not like Rodrick, Rodrick smelt like mint and musk. He shook himself.

"So how come you're sat alone in the middle of a crowded party, it's New Year's freaking Eve!" she smiled widely at him revealing two rows of perfect white teeth. Greg wondered why he'd never noticed her before, she really was very pretty. She was a little on the chubby side but she had long, red hair and bright blue eyes with freckles scattered across her cheekbones. Not to mention one of the nicest smiles he'd ever seen.

"Parties aren't really my scene; I'm just here because my mom thinks I'm turning into a hermit." This time Trista threw her head back with real laughter

"I'm the same; I don't see the point in going out when I have food and the internet in my bedroom!"

"Amen to that." he held up his nearly empty bottle and clinked it with hers. She smiled at him again and Greg made an effort to smile back, but found it wasn't really an effort at all; he really was enjoying her company.

"So you're not here with a girlfriend then" Trista said raising an elegant brow. Greg snorted bitterly before replying

"No, I'm not." Trista took a long swig of her drink and swallowed it with a flinch.

"Well, I've never been one for beating around the bush, so if you're not here with anyone you should know I think you're cute and I came over here to hit on you. Do with that what you will." Greg blanched. She liked him? But why, she was cute and clearly had a spitfire personality, she could do a lot better. Emboldened by alcohol he told her as much.

"Oh honey" she paused and the look on her face was reminiscent of how people looked at cute puppies "maybe no one ever told you this but the whole moody emo thing is kind of hot, especially when the guy in question is actually really nice underneath. So what do you say, you wanna make out?" she grinned again and Greg couldn't help his laughter. A cold voice cut through his happy daze.

"No, he does not, excuse me Trista but if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to speak to Greg. Alone." He looked up to find Holly leaning over them lips pressed tightly together, forehead creased. Trista looked at him.

"I thought you said you weren't with anyone" Greg just shrugged "well if you get tired of Blondie I'm always around" she slid off the stool and disappeared into the crowd.

"Wow, three girls at once, you must be terribly proud." Spat Holly her pretty face contorted with emotion.

"Holly, it's not like that. Rodrick made that whole thing about Angie up! And Trista came on to me and I didn't even know me and you had a thing." Greg knew it had been the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left him mouth.

"No wait Holly that's not what I meant, I just, can we talk about this outside away from everyone?" There was no reply but she turned on her heel and led him through the patio doors out to the back garden. It was deserted out here, no one to soak up the thick tension in the air between them.

"Holl I –"

"NO" she held out a hand to silence him "it's my turn. I've liked you for two years Greg, two whole years spent wishing you would just make a move and then the second I pluck up the courage to show you how I feel you walk away from me!"

"I had to, Rodrick was home"

"Oh and this fucking complex you have about your brother. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should start facing up to your responsibilities and stop blaming every shitty thing that happens to you on Rodrick? You act like he's such a bad guy but you know what, you're just like him." The words hit him like a punch to the chest and his stomach flipped uncomfortably.

"No, I'm not" but Holly just laughed, and it was so cold and unfamiliar that Greg's stomach flipped again because he had done this to her, taken the kindest warmest person he knew and made her so angry.

"Yeah you are, _more than you know_. More than you'll ever be capable of knowing" Holly replied, her voice thick with anger and tears and years and years of being the good girl who never got what she wanted. Greg closed the gap between them and grabbed her arm.

"Holly, I'm not interested in Angie or Trista, I only want you!" but the words felt wooden and somehow untrue.

"It's not even about that Greg; it's about me being fed up of being used as your emotional punching bag. I have an older sister too Greg and she's horrible. She puts me down every day and you know what I do, I get over it, I brush it off and move on. Why is it that you're so incapable of that? Why does your brother have this sort of hold over you, it's not healthy and I'm tired of being in the middle of it. It hurts too much Greg."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah me too. But I'm stopping it now. We could have been great Greg, we could have gone to college together and got married and had kids and had a happily ever after. Or maybe we would have burned out, too many years of friendship getting in the way, but I guess we'll never know because I'm ending it before it ends me" Holly said in a whisper and Greg could only watch as a few tears slid down her cheeks. Without thinking he bent down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

"I'm sorry Hol, this really sucks, but if you feel that way I'll respect that." he glanced at his watch, 10:45 "I'm going to go home now, go inside, enjoy your party and forget about me. I hear there's a few super cute jocks ready to be taken advantage of in there." He pulled away swallowing down the lump in his throat.

"You don't have to go you know. I'm mad at you but mostly I'm just tired, you can stay if you want." And for a second the selfish side of him wanted to say yes, to clap her on the back and go enjoy the party, find Trista at midnight and kiss her, to act like everything was fixed. But he knew he couldn't.

"I think we both know that's not a good idea. I'll see you at school, have a good night." They were silent a moment while they let the enormity of what had just passed sink in.

"Yeah, see you." She murmured, shaking herself off. Greg nodded a little, tucking his hands in his pockets. He turned away from Holly, trying not to pay attention to her footsteps as she walked back into her home, trying to stop himself deflating when she was gone. He searched in the dark for the familiar garden gate and felt his way down the path at the side of the house until he made his way out into the front yard, the light from the house and street lamps making him blink.

He toyed with the idea of just wandering aimlessly round his neighbourhood for an hour, not wanting to enter 2012 in an empty house, crying over lost love. He snorted at his own ridiculousness, even drunk he would never be the type of guy to do that sort of thing. So he headed home, running his fingers over picket fences, unable to muster up anything other than a vague sense of hopelessness, unable to cry and unwilling to shout, he navigated the streets in silence, just thinking, trying to make sense of how fast it had all happened.

Holly was gone and it would probably never be the same again. She had said they would still be friends but he wasn't stupid, he knew it wouldn't work. He knew exactly how it would play out if they tried to go back to how it was before, things would be awkward and Greg would be weighed under by guilt and his heart would break a little bit every time he forgot himself and laughed, every time he looked up to find Holly staring at him with that hurt look in her eyes.

It would get to Angie and Rowley as well, he knew they were too good to consciously take sides, but when he was so obviously at fault, when he had been such an ass for so long, he knew it would happen anyway. The group would crack under the tension and Angie and Rowley would stay with Holly and Greg would drift away. He was going to lose them in the most painful way possible.

But it didn't have to happen like that. He had experienced loss, felt the pain of having someone you loved ripped away from you but he didn't have to do that to his friends. He knew what he had to do. He would hang out with them, but only in the midst of big groups. He would text them occasionally but there would be no more hour long phone calls. He would walk to and from school with Rowley but that would be it. He would become a part time friend, until eventually they didn't need him at all. It would hurt, but it would be for the best in the long run.

This whole thing was his fault anyway, his mess to clean up.

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><p>So, no more Holly. and i did that thing where the title of a story is actually in the story. I love it when that happens, i usually shriek and point for a while. You guys probably aren't as odd as i am. If you liked it leave me a review, if you didn't like it leave me a review, all your feedback is wonderful.<p> 


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